If it takes someone nearly two decades to change and become a better person for their spouse, it’s fair to wonder who that change is really for.
Are they doing it for the person they hurt, that they’re supposed to love, or for the consequences they finally couldn’t avoid anymore? Or, is it all an act, and they’re dangerously close to slipping back into being a terrible person as soon as they get what they want?
This 42-year-old man spent 17 years married to his 41-year-old wife before breaking up with her, and they have two kids together, a 12-year-old daughter and a 16-year-old son.
His wife was severely abused growing up, and her mom constantly berated her in public as well as behind closed doors, which resulted in his wife having horrific trust and anger problems.
“Since we got married, she has gone no-contact with her parents, but her childhood scars never healed. She used me as a punching bag, and I let it happen because I was operating under the idea that if I loved her enough, she would eventually heal,” he explained.
“She loves me, and I know it. But her version of love is twisted and harmful, and my tolerance has run its course. I suggested she should go to therapy several times, but every time I did, she got abusive and told me that I needed therapy, not her.”
“I am already in therapy, and I made progress on my own issues, but she continued to refuse until I finally broke up with her after she insulted me (for maybe the 1000th time).”
His wife is an expert at hurting him through putting him down, gaslighting him, withholding physical affection, and doling out the silent treatment.
Throughout the last six years, he’s only slept with his life ten times. Oh, and his wife is verbally abusive to their kids as well, but it’s milder than what she says to him.
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Eight months ago, he broke up with her, and then she quickly changed her ways. She said sorry to him and to the kids, she began therapy, and she finally took accountability, but it was too little too late.
“My son has also gone no-contact with her, not on my suggestion at all. He lives in my place now. She says the loss of us both made her see the reality of how arrogant and entitled she was, and that she is a different person now,” he explained.
As for their daughter, she splits her time equally between them, and is not phased by him and his wife no longer being together. His wife largely used to ignore her.
She’s taking it all in stride, isn’t upset at all by what happened, but all of her friends have divorced parents, and he thinks she likes having some drama of her own to share with them.
His wife has been disgustingly nice to him and their kids, and she’s said she wants him back so she can have another chance to fix their marriage.
But the thing is, he’s not interested. While he feels guilty about breaking up his family, he doubts his wife truly changed in just eight months.
“I am happy in my new place, and my nerves are calm, and I can be myself. I am happier and calmer than I ever was in my life. Even though I see the progress she is making, I do not want to go back to her because I don’t want to waste any more of my life with her,” he continued.
“She had so many opportunities to choose me over the years we’ve been together, but she refused and insisted on being abusive.”
He’s left wondering if he’s a jerk for not wanting to give his wife another opportunity.
If he’s so happy without her, why go back? Also, she did have 17 long years to get it together, and it’s sad she didn’t realize what she had until it was gone.
But that’s not his problem anymore, and if she truly cared, she would have fixed herself long ago instead of taking out the toxicity of her childhood on everyone around her.
What do you think?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
