One thing there’s no compromising on in a marriage is the topic of kids, because it’s not like you can decide to have half a child or a part-time one if your spouse no longer wants to be a parent. So what would you do if your partner changed their mind about having kids, despite you still wanting them?
Seven years ago, this 33-year-old woman tied the knot with her 34-year-old husband. They weren’t interested in jumping into having kids following their wedding, so instead, they bought a house and traveled the world.
In 2022, they finally began trying for a baby and were overwhelmed by how hard the process was. Then, they were hit with some big life changes.
“He was soon laid off from a dream job, and his career transitioned into an entirely new field. I’ve supported him in going back to school and his apprenticeship,” she explained.
“The stress of his career and accomplishments [has] always been a sore and sensitive spot for us, and I have always been the breadwinner, which he does not mind.”
Circling back to their fertility struggles, she’s been diagnosed with an ovarian cyst the size of a grapefruit, fibroids, and stage 4 endometriosis.
She’s managing the pain that comes along with all of that, and when she’s feeling better, her doctors said she has six months to get pregnant, and if she doesn’t, she has to consider IVF and undergo more testing.
She’s fully aware she may never be able to get pregnant, and her husband has been there for her as she’s dealt with her health struggles.
“We’ve kept pushing things back to travel more and for him to feel more ‘accomplished,’ but I fear I can’t bear waiting any longer,” she noted.
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The plan was for her and her husband to begin trying for a baby again at the beginning of the year, but we’re closing in on March without that having happened, and she thought it would be a good idea to make sure they’re on the same page about kids.
Yesterday evening, she asked her husband if he still wanted to try for a baby, and he admitted that he changed his mind. He no longer wants children, the idea of being a dad causes him anxiety, and he’s scared the progression of his own live with come to a close.
Additionally, he’s concerned that a potential pregnancy will negatively impact her health or the future baby. Her husband stated that he feels self-centered because of his newfound feelings.
“I told him to think hard about it, and he needs to decide. From my p.o.v. I’ve always felt that [things in the bedroom] significantly dipped in the last few years, and I can definitely attribute many factors to that, but I can’t help but think it’s because of him truly never wanting to have kids with me,” she added.
“We’ve done couples therapy many times, and it’s good for a bit, but never lasts. I’m not interested in pursuing more therapy together, I am TIRED. I love our DINK (dual income no kids) life with our cat, [which] we got when we were in the thick of infertility sadness, but I still want more.”
“Is our marriage over? I don’t want him to be forced into it, so I feel like it is over. I feel like I should not have to convince my husband or change his mind. We do have so much love for each other, but I feel so devastated.”
She’s wondering if she should leave her husband and try to find happiness alone, which could include securing a donor or adopting a child.
If she stays with her husband, the reality is she may never have a child at all since he doesn’t want to be a dad. It breaks her heart to be faced with having to quit trying for a baby.
The only reason she can stay with her husband now is if she decides he’s more important than having a child, because they are not aligned.
That’s a tough choice to have to make: the man she loves, or the possibility of being a mom.
What advice do you have for her?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
