How insulting to have your husband cheat on you, then, amid fixing the marriage, he demotes you to a best friend. Would it be worth staying in the marriage after two big betrayals?
It was close to a year ago now that this 32-year-old woman’s 31-year-old husband cheated on her with his coworker. She’s been married to him for six years now, and their anniversary is quickly approaching.
It was actually on Mother’s Day that she discovered her husband’s affair after he sent flowers to his coworker instead of her. The affair happened for a month before she found out about it, and her husband promises he has not been in touch with his coworker after it came to an end.
“He told me that once people found out, it really put things into perspective, and he realized the kids and I are what matter most,” she explained.
“Since then, he has put in effort. We did couples counseling, even a marriage retreat. We do weekly date nights and have worked on meeting each other’s needs. That helped me rebuild trust, but it almost feels like the process pushed him further away romantically.”
“We identified that the affair happened because he didn’t feel comfortable opening up to me and ended up confiding in someone else. We’ve worked a lot on communication, and now he tells me everything.”
Initially, she couldn’t trust her husband at all after the affair, but because he was so transparent, coupled with counseling, her trust in him did come back.
Their marriage has gotten to a healthy place, as she doesn’t check in on her husband when he’s out with his friends, she doesn’t keep tabs on his location, and she does not go through his phone.
But the problem for her is that her husband hasn’t tried to kiss her or offered up any kind of romance since back in October, and the reason is that he lost his feelings for her.
Sign up for Chip Chick’s newsletter and get stories like this delivered to your inbox.
“He says he only sees me as a great coparent and best friend and has zero romantic feelings now. We barely even hug. Meanwhile, I’m still very much in love with him, and I’ve been honest about that,” she added.
“It’s incredibly painful to love your spouse and not be loved the same way in return. I keep hoping his feelings will come back—that one day he’ll want me again. But at what point do I stop hoping and accept reality?”
“Living like this feels like torture. I dread coming home from work sometimes because I know I’m excited to see him and then feel rejected. I try to stay positive, but if I show sadness or frustration, he gets upset and says it makes him feel like he’s doing something wrong, which then pushes him further away.”
From time to time, her husband considers a divorce, and she’s been telling him that if that’s what his heart desires, it’s time to pull the trigger.
She has, in the past, pleaded with him to stay with her, but she’s no longer interested in making her husband remain in their marriage if he’s against it.
Living in the friendzone her husband has put her in is exhausting, and she doesn’t want to continue on like this, as it’s pretty pointless.
“He says he wants things to work and that he still loves me, but he doesn’t have much hope. I don’t believe in staying together just for the kids and believe we could coparent just fine,” she said.
“So I guess my question is: is there any real reason to still have hope? Can romantic feelings come back after this long? Or am I just prolonging the pain? Is he just comfortable in this routine with no intention (or ability) to reconnect romantically?”
“It feels like a game of chicken over who will file first—him because he’s lost hope, or me because I can’t take the heartbreak anymore. Even my therapist asks why I’m still here, but loving someone isn’t something I can just switch off.”
I do think a romantic revival could happen if her husband wasn’t so checked out already. He’s already resigned to not making this work, it seems to me, and it’s crazy that her therapist can’t even understand why she’s sticking around.
I wonder if he’s hesitating on ending the marriage because it will make him look pretty terrible for cheating and then leaving. Time for a divorce, that’s all there is left here, and she should be the one to file since he’s dragging his feet.
What advice do you have for her? Do you think there’s any chance of her husband’s romantic feelings for her bouncing back?
You can read the original post below.
By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
