If you were married to someone who pushed you to adopt their kids against the wishes of said children, what would you do? Would you agree anyway, or would you decide to leave the marriage?
This man and his wife are both in their 30s, and he met his wife following the death of her first husband, with whom she had three kids.
His wife’s children are 6, 11, and 12, and the majority of them have not warmed up to the idea of having him around. He dated his wife for close to two years when her sons admitted they would never view him as a dad and weren’t down with the idea of him adopting them officially.
“This was not mentioned by me at the time, but I now wonder if she did. To me, it came from nowhere back then, but I reassured them that I would never force myself in that role if they weren’t okay with it, and I could still love them and not adopt or be their real dad,” he explained.
“My wife acted like it came from nowhere too. Then we got married, and my stepdaughter started calling me dad, and after a few months, she asked me to adopt her.”
“My wife’s parents helped her make a card to ask me. I was willing, and my wife was eager, but she insisted I should adopt all three children and not leave the boys out.”
He made it clear to his wife he wasn’t going to force her sons into an adoption if they weren’t interested, and she argued back that her sons needed to see how serious he was about all of them. Not just her easygoing kid.
As soon as his wife’s sons overheard his wife talking about adopting them, they freaked out and began hitting and spitting at him. They also verbally abused him while his wife tried to get them to stop.
Eventually, they all went to therapy as a family, and several months into that, his wife informed their therapist that she wanted the adoption to happen for her sons.
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“I told my wife I didn’t feel comfortable adopting the boys against their will, and I questioned whether it would be allowed anyway,” he added.
“She went to seek legal advice without me, and she was told that the ages the boys are, their saying no is all it would take to cancel out an adoption.”
“This led to more discussions between us outside of therapy and many fights. She has told me her sons do not know what’s best for them, and she will not let me adopt my stepdaughter if I don’t adopt my stepsons. I told her my stepdaughter wanted to be adopted, but my stepson’s did not.”
They went round and round in circles, with his wife failing to listen to him. A couple of weeks later, his wife’s sons brought up in therapy that they would hate him if he went through with the adoption, and they would prefer for him to die than become their dad.
His wife’s oldest son threatened to hurt him physically. His wife got into a heated argument with her son, and the therapist had to step in.
He’s been married to his wife for over a year, and he’s beginning to doubt that he wants to stay in their marriage. He would be sad to leave his stepdaughter behind, and even his horrible stepsons, but he doesn’t see a resolution.
Also, his wife is showing him an ugly side he doesn’t like. She’s adamant about making the adoption happen for all the kids, regardless of their feelings, and it’s not fair.
“I requested a few sessions for just the two of us, which the therapist granted in February, and I have spoken about my reservations. My wife told me I can’t just quit our marriage and destroy the children in the process,” he continued.
“I brought up her behavior and the side I have seen, and she told me I need to fight and make this work and be the dad that all three of her kids deserve. But I can’t even get one of my stepsons to accept me driving them somewhere.”
“They won’t accept my help with homework. They leave the room if I try to sit and watch YouTube with them. I told her that’s not something that will change overnight, and forcing the adoption will not make us a happy family. Her immediate reaction was anger. Which has only strengthened my concerns.”
Wow, his wife is just not in touch with reality, is she? How can she refuse to listen to the feelings of her own kids? She should stop pushing the adoption and let her sons be, because she’s the one breeding resentment here by trying to manipulate them into saying yes.
His wife is being toxic and divisive, and so no, I don’t think he should stay married to her. Things are only going to get worse, not better, with the way this is trending.
Do you think he should file for divorce or hang in there?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
