Kids are such a major investment of time, energy, and attention. But how would you feel if, after having kids, your spouse accused you of letting yourself go?
This woman got married to her husband 11 years ago, and they have three children who are all less than 10. Her husband has a full-time job, while she has a part-time one, meaning she picks up all of the household chores on top of working.
On Sunday, she was dressed in a t-shirt and sweatpants, the same thing she wears every weekend since giving birth to their kids, and her hair was tossed up in a bun. She was loading the dishwasher when her husband remarked on her appearance.
“He was on the couch watching football, and out of nowhere, he said, ‘You know, you’ve kind of let yourself go since the kids. I miss the version of you I married.’ I stopped loading the dishwasher,” she explained.
“Asked him to repeat it. He repeated it. Then he kind of softened it and said he just meant he wished I made more of an effort for him sometimes. I asked him what effort he would like to see.”
“He said maybe wearing real clothes on weekends. Maybe doing my hair and wearing some of the stuff I used to wear before kids. I didn’t yell or cry. I just looked at him and asked when exactly he thought I was going to do this.”
She has a pretty hectic schedule that leaves no time for herself. She has to drop the kids off at school at 7:45, then head to her part-time job until 2 p.m.
By 3 p.m., she has to pick the kids up from school, then take them home, help them with their homework, cook dinner, give the kids baths, and get them all tucked into bed.
Also, she has to do their laundry, which is endless, considering how many people are in their family. When the day is done, she only gets 4 hours of sleep, as her youngest still wakes up constantly.
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She laid that all out for her husband and questioned him about when she could find the time to do her hair just for him, and he didn’t know what to say. It seemed to her that her husband was waiting for her to apologize to him for letting herself go.
“He kind of mumbled that he wasn’t trying to start a fight and went back to his football. I have not done his laundry this week. He hasn’t noticed I have been thinking about that more than I should,” she continued.
Having your spouse admit that they’re not attracted to you (which is exactly what her husband said by calling her out for letting herself go) is soul-crushing.
I think the best way for her to handle this is to tell her husband he can pitch in more with the kids and the housework, and then she will have more time to spend on herself and her appearance, and I’m only saying that because she sounds like she can desperately use a break, and he’s evidently not supporting her enough.
Or, she can tell him he can start paying for a babysitter to give her the time she needs to get her hair and makeup or nails done, which costs money.
The bigger picture here is, I don’t understand how she can ever forgive her husband for what he said, because it’s cruel, and nobody should speak to their spouse like that.
What advice do you have for her?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
