Paying the bills doesn’t magically turn a stranger into a dad, no matter how your mom might want to force the narrative. But if your mom is actively guilting you for not wanting to move to another state with her, her husband, and their unborn baby, how are you supposed to keep the peace?
This 18-year-old girl’s dad passed away a decade ago. Her 36-year-old mom got remarried several years ago, and ever since, their relationship has been strange, but not terrible.
Her mom views her new husband as an excellent provider, and she no longer has to work that much since he helps her pay the bills.
“Because he was the bigger earner, my mom told me I should be so grateful for him, and he was doing what a father would, and that she would expect me to treat him with the love and respect of a dad,” she explained.
“When I resisted, she told me that Dad would have loved him for doing it and would be saying the same thing to me if he could. But I was too old to see someone else as my dad. I already had great memories of my dad and still loved him.”
“Plus, I wasn’t super close with her husband, and I didn’t know him that well. I didn’t even see him as a stepdad or a parent. He was my mom’s husband, and he treated her well, which was the most important thing in my eyes.”
Her mom did not accept her feelings, and because of that, their bond changed. Her mom is currently pregnant and made the choice to move to another state with her husband for a new start.
Her mom asked her to come too, but she declined and moved in with her aunt instead. Her mom attempted to get her to change her mind, then got mad at her for not wanting to move.
Her mom demanded to know what kind of family they would be now that they have to hop on a plane to visit one another. She reminded her mom that she’s basically an adult, and that could happen regardless.
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“She brought up the fact [that] my relationship with her husband won’t improve at a distance like that. Then she asked me what kind of sister I would be at such a big distance, and I told her not a very active one, but I was going to be busy with college and work anyway,” she added.
“Her husband’s mother is moving with them, so this isn’t about babysitting, BTW. My mom genuinely has wanted us to be a nuclear family since she got married. It kills her that I never saw it that way and never saw her husband as a second father, and now I won’t make this move with them, and she’s angry but hurt too.”
It’s sad for her to watch her mom have a baby with a man who is not her dad. She does not love her mom’s new husband at all. She can’t say those things to her mom, but her mom knows all of it on some level.
She’s not sure what the future will bring, but she’s unwilling to move and is wondering how she can maintain a relationship with her mom in light of how angry she is with her.
She and her mom are both adults and can make their own decisions about what’s best for them as individuals, but that doesn’t have to match or be the same at all.
I don’t blame her for not wanting to relocate, and hopefully, her mom’s anger will subside, and she will come to accept that sometime soon.
She needs to move on with her life, and let her mom do the same.
What advice do you have for her?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
