If your spouse caught feelings for their coworker and asked for an open marriage so they could pursue them, how would you feel?
It was nine months ago that this 27-year-old man’s 28-year-old wife admitted to him that she had feelings for her coworker and wanted an open marriage.
They had recently purchased a home, and he had gone to school to launch a new career. Divorce wasn’t something that crossed his mind, so he told his wife he was willing to experiment with an open marriage, as he felt like he could not lose her.
He threw himself into school and work, listened to podcasts about successful open marriages, but still, he was deeply unhappy with the arrangement.
He was adamant with his wife that if they wanted to have kids, they had to close their marriage. She was opposed to that, but it wasn’t something he was willing to budge on.
“Eventually, it culminated when she broke it off with her coworker, and the immediate relief I felt was so intense it absolutely confirmed for me I needed monogamy,” he explained.
“I told her that, and she wanted to stay open. I tried to give her the time she asked for, but I was slowly sliding into a bad place. One night, she brought up making a ‘decision about having kids,’ and I broke down and asked for a divorce.”
They sobbed and argued, and he said they had to go to therapy if his wife wanted to stay with him. He requested couples counseling, but his wife countered with individual counseling, and he said yes.
He knew that they had their own set of problems to overcome. For his wife, that was trauma from her childhood, which left her struggling to feel safe. As for him, his problem was anxiety.
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He managed to find a therapist with whom he really got along, and he believed he was making big strides with the help of this professional.
“After a few weeks and meeting with her therapist, she told me that she feels all this pressure to choose between what she wants and what I want, and when we try to talk openly about our situation, it seems to devolve,” he added.
“We are really good communicators until it gets to high-stakes stuff like this, but then it will devolve into fighting or shutting down.”
“She’s said that at the core of the open marriage is that she doesn’t feel heard by me and that she doesn’t feel [a physical] connection that she needs. She has told me that she needs to be taken care of and needs codependency.”
He does his best to be there for his wife, but they both work jobs, and with his schoolwork on top of it, he spends less time with his wife than she wants.
He’s attempted to outline to his wife that her codependency is toxic and that’s not the sign of a good marriage, but she doesn’t listen to him.
He feels sad about the chats he’s been having with his wife lately. He has told his therapist he needs to feel like he’s good enough, even if he’s the only person giving himself that validation.
“Finally, one morning, she asks if it’s ok to hang out with her old coworker she opened up for at the gym. I flipped out and told her I thought that was [nonsense],” he continued.
“It quickly devolved into accusations, and we separated for the night. The next day after work, I wanted to talk with cooler heads and come to some sort of reconciliation. She wouldn’t listen and was trying to fight like the last night. I have had enough; [I] decided to end it.”
“I’m sure I am missing a lot of the finer details, but it’s all the broad strokes. This was two nights ago. Since then, we have started talking to each other like friends again. This hurts worse than anything I have felt before, but I do feel a sense of peace that I have been missing for almost a year.”
I think he will be a whole lot happier in light of the divorce, as he and his wife do not want the same things and are not on the same page anymore.
Feeling peaceful after asking for the divorce is a sign. I mean, it is like closure, but it points to him really needing to be done with this marriage, because his wife is stringing him along.
His wife is also selfish, and I can’t believe she had the audacity to whine to him about not getting her needs met when he literally allowed her to see her coworker. He was far too generous in opening the marriage, because I would have asked for a divorce right then and there.
What advice do you have for him?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
