If your spouse was unemployed and watching you struggle to keep the bills paid, how long would you be willing to let that dynamic continue before demanding a change?
This 28-year-old woman knows she’s her 29-year-old husband’s doormat and caretaker, which has landed her in a pretty bad situation.
She got married to her husband four years ago, and they have been with one another for nine years in total. While they’ve had some lows, they have also shared some amazing memories, and he is always her biggest supporter.
“I can be myself around him in ways I hide from others. He’s the only person in my life [who] has cheered for me through every win,” she explained.
“2 years ago, he was laid off. I make enough to support our monthly expenses, so I told him to start looking for a job, and I would take over in the meantime. He does the majority of the housework and cooks our meals, also to make things more balanced.”
“The problem lies here: we have had more expenses recently due to vet bills, car problems, and life that easily surpassed what I was able to cover. Because of that, I have had to pull from our emergency fund, and last year, [I] could not afford to contribute to our ROTH IRAs.”
Her husband spends three days a week applying to jobs, and will only invest two to three hours a day doing it. Additionally, he has a very niche industry he’s been previously employed in, and those are the sole positions he’s applying to.
She has asked her husband before to please get a part-time job doing something, anything, to help bring money in, but he’s pleaded with her not to force him to do that.
Her husband even promised to do things to further his education and make him more attractive for the roles in his industry, but that has not ended up happening. He has the same resume.
“My job is high-stress, has a somewhat toxic environment, and is brutal on a good day, but provides all of our benefits, so I cannot leave it. I can’t even change departments because my company has frozen all team changes,” she added.
“As a result of all of this, I have lost attraction for him at this point. I am turned off by his lack of initiative and unwillingness to do what needs to be done.”
“We love to travel together, but haven’t been able to because we relied on his income to fund those adventures. He insists he wants to do whatever he can to take care of me, but that line is drawn at doing more than an hour or two of applications.”
Their day-to-day schedule looks like this: she’s the breadwinner through her soul-crushing job; her husband does housework, applies for jobs sporadically, and spends the majority of his time on his hobbies.
They hang out at night, but by that point, she’s just deeply resentful of her husband, so their quality time doesn’t sound like it’s any fun for her. This is not the marriage she envisioned for herself.
If they had kids and her husband was a stay-at-home dad, she wouldn’t be so bothered by him being unemployed. Speaking of kids, her husband’s not sure he wants them, and she’s not foolish enough to get pregnant with things the way they are.
“I suppose I am looking for advice on what next steps most people would take. I am debating a postnup to protect my retirement accounts even though I can’t imagine a world without him,” she concluded.
You know I am not a fan of ultimatums, but this is a marriage where one might have been beneficial. I say might have been, because I’m afraid it’s too late for her to do anything to make her husband want to change.
She’s right, she is his doormat, and she’s made him far too comfortable, so of course, he’s not going to go out there and find a job when she makes it possible for him to sit home doing nothing.
Sure, she could try to scare him by giving him an ultimatum to find a job or face a divorce, but she has to then think about what she’s going to do when that fails to motivate him.
She should at the very least get a separation if she wants to give her husband one more chance to get it together, but the odds are not in her favor.
Since she won’t leave her husband, and his lack of ambition and employment are making her lose all attraction to him, what do you think she can do?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
