A while ago, this 40-year-old man ended his friendship with A, who is also 40. He and A met in college and had been friends for nearly 16 years.
While in college, the two of them were a part of the same group of friends, and after graduation, they happened to move to the same city for work.
Coincidentally, he and A moved into apartments near one another, and they frequently spent time together. They grocery-shopped together, went over to one another’s apartments, and went out to dinner together.
“One day, A told me she loved spending time with me and that maybe we should officially date. I told her that I liked her as a friend, too, but we were very different people, and I did not think of her in that way,” he said.
“She told me that since we already spent so much time together, she just assumed I was interested in her, and hence she asked me.”
During this conversation, which occurred 13 years ago, A agreed that they were very different and never had this conversation again. They were able to stay friends without their dynamic changing or having any awkwardness between them.
A year after this discussion with A, he met the woman he would end up marrying. From the start of the new relationship, he was the happiest he’d ever been.
During his first date with his now-wife, he thought about how this was the type of person with whom he envisioned himself spending the rest of his life.
His wife is intelligent and considerate, and he feels so grateful that he met her. Eleven years ago, he and his wife got married, and they have a son together.
While he and his wife were in the earlier phases of their relationship, prior to their engagement, A met the man who would become her husband, and she married the man a few months after he and his wife’s wedding.
Throughout the years, they all were good friends, and everything seemed fine. He and his wife considered A an aunt to their son.
In the past, his wife had asked him about what his dating life had been like before the two of them met, and she had asked whether he and A had ever dated.
He was up-front with her and explained the conversation he and A had when she asked him if they should consider dating.
This didn’t bother his wife, and she and A had a shopping day together and got along well. But problems began a year ago.
“A told my wife and me one night that she was not happy with her marriage and felt her husband did not treat her well,” he explained.
“I don’t want to go into specifics, but four months after that, they filed for divorce and amicably separated. A did start spending more time with my wife and me as we were her emotional support.”
Unfortunately, tension arose after A’s divorce. A began sending him text messages about how depressed she was feeling.
Every time she said this, he assured her that she was welcome to come hang out with him and his wife if she needed to vent.
But his wife wasn’t thrilled that A was privately texting him instead of texting the group chat they had together, especially considering the fact that she and A were close friends, too.
In his wife’s view, it was fine if A wanted to confide in both of them, but she wasn’t comfortable with the idea of A relying solely on him. Plus, she wasn’t happy that A chose to text him past 10 p.m. about her issues.
Luckily, A had only texted him this late on two occasions. He and his wife both have “Do Not Disturb” on their phones, but A is a contact who is the exception to this rule. They wanted to do this just in case A experienced an emergency and needed to contact them.
So, when his phone notified him of the text from A, his wife asked if A was alright, and she was irritated that his phone woke her up after she learned that it wasn’t an emergency. The second time A texted him late at night, his wife expressed her frustrations.
After his wife told him all of this, he completely accepted her feelings. He understood that since they were married, boundaries needed to be set with friends, no matter whether these friends were men or women.
After this conversation, he relayed this all to A several weeks ago, but she didn’t take it well. She freaked out, hurling disparaging insults at his wife, accusing his wife of “controlling” him.
He attempted to tell A that all his wife wanted was for him to set boundaries for the friendship, and they were boundaries that he agreed with.
Continuing, he told A that he was positive that if the roles were reversed and his wife was the one receiving texts from a male friend past 10 p.m., he would want these same boundaries enforced.
“However, she was offended by the implication that she had ulterior motivates for talking to me. After the fight, I let the situation cool off and didn’t reach out to A. She also has not messaged me since then,” he shared.
Later, some of his friends from college found out about the situation and took A’s side. They called him and told him he was being a jerk for ghosting A when she needed someone to lean on.
On the other hand, his wife thinks expressing his new boundaries to A was a good idea, but she thinks he should contact A to discuss things.
According to his wife, he and A both have egos and are behaving like immature children. Now, he misses his friendship with A, but he doesn’t want to talk to her if she refuses to respect his wife and their clear boundaries.
Since getting married to his wife, he and A have never hung out together one-on-one. They only see each other at parties and gatherings with friends and family.
His wife was the one who coordinated social events, so she had been communicating with A more than he had been.
While he and A don’t see each other one-on-one, his wife and A do hang out with one another without him quite often.
His wife ended up calling A and having a talk with her. During the discussion, A expressed to his wife that she only sees him as a “protective older brother,” and he thinks this is an accurate description. He doesn’t have too many close friends, but he always feels protective over the friends he’s closest to, A included.
In his wife’s opinion, he abandoned A when she needed his support. She thought he was impolite and should have allowed A to vent to him as long as it wasn’t late-night texting.
So, she and A decided to get brunch together, just the two of them. While they were having brunch, he and his son went to a trampoline park and had a blast. His wife gave him an update later on how things went with A.
Apparently, she thought A looked depressed when they first met up at the restaurant. Right away, A told her she was so sorry for the awful things she had said about her, explaining that she had only said those things because she was all worked up and upset, adding that she hadn’t mean any of it. The two of them hugged, cried, and had a lovely meal together.
While A and his wife talked, A let her know that the reason she had texted him so late at night was because she was emotionally struggling more at the moment.
She wasn’t ready for her first Thanksgiving without being married, so she felt lonely. Sadly, once A and her ex-husband divorced, she lost a lot of her old friends, so she didn’t have as many people to reach out to.
A went on to say that she chose not to text in the group chat because she was worried that she would wake up to the text, so A sent him a private message because she thought she’d seen that he was online past 10 p.m. (He was certain this couldn’t have been true, though, because he was fast asleep and was awoken by the message just like his wife had been.).
Then, A said that she started to feel hurt that he wasn’t too responsive or conversational during their texting conversations, so that was why she freaked out when he later asked her to refrain from messaging him late at night.
In A’s view, when he asked her to make sure to text the group chat instead of texting him privately, it felt as if he was “pushing her away.”
The two of them were in agreement that he had been “emotionally unavailable” to A when she needed someone to talk to. At the end of the meal, A gave his wife a massive bag of Christmas presents for their son.
A is always generous with gifts for their son during the holiday season. His wife asked A if she wanted to sleep over at their house so that she could see their son open the gifts from her. A said she’d be happy to come over.
A while after that, A texted him to let him know that she would be over at his and his wife’s house in half an hour, and she asked him to let his wife know.
When she arrived, she hugged him, and he was thrilled to see her. The whole night was fantastic, and his son was ecstatic because A is his favorite person ever.
The following morning, his wife was getting their son ready for the day, and A helped him cook breakfast.
While he and A were spending time together, she mentioned that he hadn’t given her a Christmas gift (his wife gave her a sweater).
She later asked if he was available that Friday to help her set up some new furniture and a new TV she’d just purchased, and he begrudgingly agreed despite wishing he could have been able to relax that day.
After all of this, he came to the conclusion that he wanted to make his wife happy. He added that he deeply loves his wife and wants to walk the line of maintaining a friendship with A, emotionally supporting her when needed, but keeping the boundary of not messaging her late at night.
His wife doesn’t have an issue with him going over to A’s place by himself, and he thinks it would be discriminatory to refuse to help A just because she’s attractive.
He knows that if A tried to make a move on him in any way, he would put a stop to it and distance himself from her.
Before he went over to A’s house, she texted him to solidify their plans and asked what he would be hungry for because she would be making lunch for the two of them while he was helping her put together her furniture and TV.
So far, nothing about the situation seems odd to him, so he thinks that everything from now on should be back to normal with the friendship he and his wife have with A.
What would you have done if you were in his shoes?
You can read the original post on Reddit here.
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