There’s a difference between being private and being unavailable. He’s still standing outside parts of his girlfriend’s life, and now that cohabitation’s on the table, she’s shutting that door too. He’s beginning to feel like this is a dealbreaker, and his girlfriend isn’t the woman he should marry in the end.
Two years ago, this 38-year-old man met his 31-year-old girlfriend, and they started out with a casual situationship. Several months into dating, they made things exclusive after he learned that she was still seeing other guys.
His girlfriend is a total introvert, and while she’s not a social media user, practically every friend she has is someone she met online.
He’s been introduced to his girlfriend’s family, but not her friends. His coworkers and loved ones used to tease him that perhaps his girlfriend doesn’t exist since she has no social media profiles.
“She’s structured and independent: gym at 5:30 am, WFH 9–5, teaches fitness classes, book clubs (mostly online), and hobbies like movies and roller skating. We see each other 2–4x/week, almost always at my house,” he explained.
“Marriage has come up. She says she’s open to it, but doesn’t have a ‘dream wedding’ and could honestly take or leave marriage if she never meets the right person. She’s skeptical of the wedding industry and doesn’t want a big event.”
“At dinner with my family, when my sister brought up weddings, my GF made a comment that she was always told second weddings shouldn’t be big or that they’re tacky. It wasn’t malicious, but my mom/sister thought it was odd since I’m the one who’s divorced (married in my 20s), and they wondered if she’d been married before (she hasn’t).”
But that’s not what he’s hung up on; he’s bothered by the fact that his girlfriend’s lease is coming to an end, yet she will not agree to live with him before getting married.
His girlfriend mentioned not wanting to be a trial wife for him, and is additionally worried about moving further away from the gym she goes to.
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Since he has been divorced once before, he feels that he needs to live with a woman before deciding if another marriage is the right move for him. He did have the opportunity to live with his ex-wife for two years prior to tying the knot.
“I do love her and we get along really well, but I haven’t met many people in her life, and she doesn’t seem eager to merge lives. Am I right to see this as a fundamental incompatibility, or should I bend on cohabitation if I want marriage with her?” he wondered.
Living together isn’t just a box to check because it changes how a relationship works (and sometimes it’s for the better, other times it’s for the worse).
If he needs to know what that looks like before committing, he shouldn’t apologize for it. And if she’s not willing to do that, it’s not about who’s right or wrong, it’s about whether they’re even building the same kind of future. If this is something he can’t compromise on, then he shouldn’t.
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
