Is there anything worse than feeling alone in your marriage? When you say your vows, you expect them to mean that your spouse is signing up to be with you through thick and thin, no matter what. They’re supposed to be your soulmate and your best friend; the one person you can turn to.
I don’t think anyone wants their marriage to turn into living a life all on your own, while on paper, it says you should have a life partner.
She’s been isolated and alienated in her marriage for years, and now her husband has fallen in love with another woman and wants out.
For the past 17 years, this 51-year-old woman has been married to her husband, and they have two children, ages 11 and 8. She says that her marriage has been somewhat of a rollercoaster, since her husband is frequently depressed and mercurial, and that’s just his default personality.
He can also get irritable, which makes him lash out. He’s also extremely critical and just a hard person to live under one roof with.
However, her husband has his highlights; he’s an amazing dad and a wonderful provider for their family, which is why she’s been overlooking his flaws.
“The romance has been gone from our relationship for a long time. After having our first kid, he never showed any interest in [sleeping with me] after that,” she explained.
“I’d initiate, and he’d say no, so eventually I stopped trying. I’m a very affectionate person, but he’d never hold my hand or be interested in hugging. There wasn’t much laughter.”
“When I type this out, it sounds like a terrible marriage, but we share the same values and life goals, and we did have many fun times together. I guess the day-to-day was just kind of a grind with him working crazy hours and me home with the kids.”
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Not long after getting married, her husband had an affair with one of his female coworkers. They did go to counseling together and managed to overcome the betrayal.
Afterwards, everything was wonderful, but then over time, things grew darker. Now, her husband is more like a friend she co-parents with effectively than a spouse.
They have different bedrooms. They’re not touchy-feely. This is never what she imagined for herself in terms of a husband, but she’s been willing to sacrifice what she desires if it means keeping her family together.
“Three days ago, my husband came home and told me that he’s been in love with a former co-worker (a different one from the first infidelity) for a long time and that he told her how he feels, and she feels the same way,” she added.
“He claims nothing has happened between them yet, but that he plans to pursue it. He wanted to get my consent and essentially have an open relationship, and I said no. It’s just not what I want or how I envision my family life.”
“At that point, I told him he needed to leave, and we are now beginning the process of legal separation. He’s living in a hotel and trying to find his own place. I’ve hired a lawyer to make sure I’ll be ok as far as finances, etc.”
She’s just so sad about how this is all coming to an end. Yes, she was aware her marriage wasn’t something to aspire to, but she was accepting of that.
Her husband has brought up her taking custody of the kids and keeping their family home, under one condition: he wants to be able to come by to see the kids whenever he wants to, which works for her.
She’s just struggling to understand that her husband is no longer her husband, and he’s about to seek out a thrilling, new romantic adventure.
“As a man in his early 50’s, the dating world is going to be different for him than it will be for me. And I never even wanted to re-enter that world,” she continued.
“But just being by myself feels lonely. Even though I was lonely in the marriage. I keep thinking back to places where I could have made more of an effort and wondering if things would be different now. I have such big fears that he’ll be in a serious relationship soon and I’ll have to ‘share’ my kids with some other woman.”
“It feels like a death that I can’t even mourn because I still have to interact with him regularly and will be doing so for the next 10 years. And now, daily, I have to wonder if he’s with this other woman or what’s happening with that.”
Well, I think it’s better to be truly alone than to live with someone who makes you feel lonely right down to your bones. That’s a living nightmare in my book, and I think this is about to be a blessing in disguise for her, since she can finally put herself first and go find a man who values her.
Given her husband’s distance and lack of attention, I bet he was cheating on her for quite a long time; she just wasn’t aware of it. Who knows, perhaps he’s already carrying out an affair with his former coworker.
I know plenty of people who have found love and marriage again after the age of 50, so she shouldn’t get stuck on worrying about her age and what that means in the dating pool.
There’s truly someone out there for everyone, and it seems like her husband never was her person to begin with, so here’s her chance at a fresh start and a chance to finally find that.
What advice do you have for her?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
