Dating isn’t just about having a nice time and getting to know someone, because somewhere along the way, you do have to determine if they’re a person you can envision being with long-term.
Now, if someone told you after a couple of dates that they have a very serious mental illness, would that make you walk away from them, or would you still want to consider a future that includes them?
This 35-year-old man has been on six dates with a 36-year-old woman, and he is completely serious about her. He’s so serious, in fact, that he wants to marry this girl, though he is at a point in his life where he is only dating to marry, not just to have fun.
But after their latest date, she revealed something to him that he’s struggling to come to terms with. Apparently, she was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia back in her early 20s, and she is on medication for it.
She also attends therapy every two weeks, and while she does characterize herself as stable today, she did relapse a year ago. She admitted to him that guys have dumped her in the past after learning about her diagnosis.
He feels a very strong bond with her, and she’s attentive, sweet, and prioritizes family values. He really was beginning to picture a future with her in it.
He’s gone to therapy before himself after having a hard time with depression and anxiety, so he’s very well informed about mental health as a whole.
“That said, here’s where I’m struggling: I’m not judging her for having a mental health condition, I know this isn’t her fault. I feel unsettled that this was disclosed after 6 dates, especially when we’re both dating with marriage as the goal,” he explained.
“I had a persistent gut feeling earlier on that something was ‘off,’ and now I’m questioning whether my intuition was picking up on information being withheld. Mental health is a major consideration for me when thinking about marriage, children, long-term stability, and how a couple navigates stress together.”
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“One of my hardest concerns to admit (and I’m saying this honestly, not cruelly) is around the future and children: How would severe stress, pregnancy, or sleep deprivation affect her stability? What does parenting look like during a difficult period? Could I realistically manage being both a partner and a primary stabiliser if things became hard?”
His mind has raced to concerns for his safety, as if she were in an unstable state; could she cause him harm? He hates to assume the worst here, but her diagnosis is weighing heavily on him.
This girl is someone he’s liked more than anyone else he’s dated in such a significant amount of time, but he’s doubting that they could be together forever.
He’s also not positive that he’s prepared emotionally to handle her paranoid schizophrenia. Is loving someone enough to help pull them through the bad moments with such a serious mental illness?
“…If I walk away, I feel like I’m abandoning someone good and kind. If I stay, I worry I might be ignoring a serious compatibility issue out of fear of being alone or starting again,” he continued.
“So I’m asking honestly: Would you continue dating in this situation? Is disclosing paranoid schizophrenia after 6 dates reasonable, or is that a red flag?”
“How much weight should I give to intuition vs compassion? For those who are married or older, what would you prioritise here? I’m not looking for reassurance either way, just grounded, honest perspectives.”
First of all, I just want to throw out there that waiting six dates to tell someone you have a serious mental illness is fair. I don’t think that’s something you need to bring up on date one, so I don’t have a problem with the timing as he does.
Jumping into the real problem here, I would pass on someone with paranoid schizophrenia who had a relapse just a year ago. I think that’s a lot to sign up for.
Also, if you have paranoid schizophrenia, it’s something that your kids can end up being diagnosed with, so the genetic component is another thing he has to really stop and think about here.
What advice do you have for him?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
