After tying the knot, most of us imagine a future with our partner that’s complete with shared dreams, joint bank accounts, and Netflix marathons.
We expect the biggest hurdle to be whose turn it is to load the dishes, not navigating the grueling and messy world of elder care before we’ve even hit thirty.
This 28-year-old woman has been married to her 31-year-old husband for the last three years. A year ago, her husband’s 62-year-old mom moved in with them because her health had been rapidly declining.
Her mother-in-law has a specific condition that means she doesn’t always have the ability to control her bowels or bladder.
“So we’re talking wet sheets, soiled clothes, sometimes full-on diaper changes. It’s bad. I feel for her, I genuinely do. She’s not doing it on purpose, and I know it’s humiliating for her too,” she explained.
“But here’s the thing. My husband works long hours, and we are barely making it financially. Like we looked into getting a home aide or even a part-time nurse, and it’s just not happening with what we make. So, guess who gets to do it? Me.”
“The first few times I did it. I held my breath and just got through it because I thought, ‘Okay, this is temporary, we’ll figure something out.’ But nothing got figured out. It just became my job.”
Every single morning without fail, she has to check her mother-in-law’s sheets, and every afternoon, she has to see if she needs to be changed.
The smell itself makes her nauseous, and she feels grossed out all the time. She’s not a nurse, and playing caregiver to her mother-in-law is not a job she ever wanted to take on.
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A couple of weeks into this, she admitted to her husband that she could not keep living like that. She was super respectful, and she didn’t scream at him when she said something had to change, as it was negatively impacting her mental health.
Her husband freaked out on her and accused her of being selfish. He reminded her that his sister refuses to help out, and she’s the only person who can do it.
Next, her husband tried to guilt-trip and insisted he would do the same thing for her mom and dad if they needed it. But he doesn’t have to, so it was an easy thing for him to say.
“Last night, he started up again with the guilt tripping, and something in me just broke. I told him if it’s so easy, then HE can come home on his lunch break and do it. I said your sister lives 20 minutes away and hasn’t shown up once, so don’t lecture me about family,” she added.
“I told him I spent weeks elbow deep in [number one and number two] while he walked in the door and asked what’s for dinner without even checking on his own mother first.”
“And I said if that makes me a bad daughter-in-law, then fine, I am one, but I’m done pretending this is okay. He just stood there with his mouth open because I have never in 3 years talked to him like that. Not once. I think it scared him, honestly, because he didn’t say anything back; he just walked out of the room.”
She’s left wondering if she’s a jerk for no longer wanting to be her mother-in-law’s live-in nurse.
Her husband’s the worst for throwing it in her face that he would be changing diapers and sheets for her parents if required, when he’s not even helping do those things for his own mom; he’s making her do it!
It sounds like she’s suffering from caregiver burnout, and she should just stop because her husband will have no choice but to figure it out and pitch in then.
And honestly, I would pick a divorce over staying with this man.
What do you think? Does the “for better or for worse” part of your vows apply to your spouse’s parents?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
