After Telling Her Parents She Has No Interest In Caring For Her Disabled Sister, They Were Upset
Pack your bags; we’re going on a guilt trip. One poor girl is the victim of some serious gaslighting, specifically guilt-tripping from her parents.
She grew up in a home where all her basic human needs were met but not her emotional needs.
She was always safe had food and water, clothes, and money. However, she never experienced love and guidance or physical attention from her mom or dad.
Her parents were always focused on her older sister. They spent most of their time caring for her, and rightfully so.
Her older sister has intellectual and developmental disabilities (IDD) and is considered partially disabled, and needs help with just about all daily activities.
Her sister has always been appreciative and loving towards her. “I love my sister more than life, and she’s a great person… She’s never bothered me with anything, and she’s extremely supportive. “
She completely understands and supports the need for her parents to be constantly preoccupied with her sister.
“I understand that due to her disability, my parents would put more focus on her throughout our childhood. But growing up, I realized how several of my needs were neglected, and I lost potential growth in my life because my parents focused 90% of their emotional and physical attention on my sister. …”
She feels hurt but only from her parents; it’s like they forgot about her or pushed her aside.
Svetlana Fedoseeva – stock.adobe.com
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“They never once cared about my dreams, ambitions, and achievements. Despite that, I never grew any resentment towards my sister because she was the only supportive person.”
She held these feelings to herself for years and never shared them with her parents. Then, after she left for college, her parents first started to “hint” that she would be responsible for her sister once they were gone.
After she got engaged, her parents started to push the subject and did much more than just hint at their expectations.
They pressured her to approach the subject with her fiancé. They wanted her to make sure he would accept the shared responsibility of caring for the sister when the time came.
“I respectfully told my parents neither I nor my fiancé want to have this responsibility. …I don’t wish to center my whole life around my sister once again. While I do love her dearly, I want to live my life on my own terms for once without feeling responsible for another person when it’s not my choice. I plan on helping however I can, but not completely being responsible.”
Her parents have been guilting and shaming her for her decision. So she took to Reddit for validation and support. You can read the original post on Reddit here.
My take: I think this girl loves her sister unconditionally. Although she feels neglected, she wouldn’t have wanted any less care to be given to her sister to fulfill her own needs. I understand her parent’s point of view, but caring for her older sister is not her responsibility.
There are so many ways her parents can prepare for the transition before they die. They can set up a special needs trust, research and set up public health benefits like Medicaid, find guardianship options, and so much more to give them peace of mind and provide independence, safety, and security for their daughter’s perpetual care. Tell your mom to call a social worker or make a peace offering by calling yourself.
Sweetie, you are not an AH. It’s ok to have your own life. Do not feel obligated or guilty to not want to take care of your sister for the rest of your life when it’s no responsibility of yours. Stay in her life as her sister. You’re not her mother.
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