Dear Fellow Control Freaks: Here’s How To Stop Catastrophizing And Take Back Your Life

morrowlight - stock.adobe.com - illustrative purposes only, not the actual person
morrowlight - stock.adobe.com - illustrative purposes only, not the actual person

The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer, Katharina Buczek.

Do you constantly feel as though you are trying to control the outcome of every situation? Whether you are applying for a new job, dipping your toe into a new relationship, or even just hosting a dinner party, you might feel immense pressure to make sure that everything goes “perfectly.”

Let’s face it, though: “perfect” is idealistic, and if we set ourselves up with this expectation, we are bound to be disappointed. Moreover, we are clouding our judgment by ignoring one key fact: we cannot control any circumstance or person except for ourselves.

If you can relate, then welcome to the club. I am the first to admit that I am a “control freak.” I keep itemized to-do lists, plan out everything that I can, and stick to my own pre-set schedule.

While all of this effort may allow me to achieve high productivity, though, it also limits my perspective and dampens my mental health. Here’s why.

If you are a control freak and you have an impending work meeting or social gathering, or first date, you tend to agonize over the little, uncontrollable details. How will my coworkers perceive my contributions? Will my friends have a good time? Will my date be interested in what I have to say? 

Not only are these unfair questions to ask yourself– because, but once again, there is no possible way for you to know or control how perceptions form and situations play out in real life. But they are also seriously damaging to your mental health.

Feeling anxiety going into every new opportunity is no way to live. These feelings may even manifest as self-doubt or such intense fear that you even decline partaking in new experiences altogether.

Thankfully, though, life does not have to be a constant mental game of cat and mouse. You can learn to stop only chasing opportunities that you feel like you can control and throwing in the towel in realms that seem too ambiguous. How? You have to practice self-awareness in three key areas.

morrowlight – stock.adobe.com – illustrative purposes only, not the actual person

1. Recognize What Emotion You Are Really Masking

There are countless reasons why some people feel an intrinsic need to control their lives. And most of the time, this desire to constantly be behind the wheel stems from some sort of fear.

To acknowledge your underlying emotions, start by recognizing where you worry about lack of control most.

Do you tense up in anticipation of classes, worrying if you are going to be cold-called? Similarly, at work, do you dread meetings and fret over how your work might be critiqued?

If so, you might suffer from a fear of authority figures. In these cases, try to remember your first negative experience with an authority figure. Ask yourself what the outcome was and how it made you feel.

Similarly, you may struggle with control in romantic relationships. Are you always trying to plan dates or hangouts? Do you immediately get anxious when your partner fails to text you back within a certain time frame?

More often than not, trying to control your love life stems from a fear of abandonment during childhood or young adulthood. Think about your friends, family members, and past partners– did anyone leave you high and dry?

2. Fight Against Irrational Correlations And Beliefs

Once you identify your masked emotion, you can start to unravel the hold it has over your life.

Let’s take the fear of abandonment, for instance. If you had an absent parent or past partner who was never present, recognize that those people made their own choices. It is not up to you to analyze or even understand why they made certain decisions.

Instead, all you should acknowledge is that other people in your life will make their own decisions, too.

What I mean by this is that no two people or situations are the same. So, it is a disservice to yourself and those around you to enter circumstances with prejudgements or expectations based on past events.

Your new boyfriend or girlfriend may completely shock you. They may be ultra-present and thrive on interpersonal communication. Or, they might not.

Either way, it is impossible for you to control the situation. So, learn from your past experiences and leave any negative thoughts at the door.

Stop thinking, “Well, what if they hurt me like I’ve been hurt in the past?” or “What if my time is wasted again?” These limiting beliefs are only preventing you from exploring new experiences. They are only controlling you, not the actual outcome of a possibly lovely new opportunity.

It takes a lot of self-awareness to stop allowing fear, anxiety, and negativity from crippling you. But, if you constantly confront your limiting beliefs with the idea that your past does not correlate to your future, you can start to make real changes.

3. Start Letting Go And Feel Gratitude For The Journey

On top of self-awareness, and a bit of mindset work, saying goodbye to your control freak tendencies will also require something that seems very counterintuitive to how you have functioned your whole life. You have to learn to just let go.

For some people, the idea is paralyzing. They cannot imagine going into a situation “blind” (or without overthinking it ten times over). I get it.

But, sometimes, you just have to muster up the willpower to essentially “flick a switch” in your mind and stop worrying.

Now, it will not always be this easy. However, in the meantime, you can try to catch yourself when you engage in catastrophizing behavior.

For instance, do you try on eight different outfits before work in the morning– worrying about what you look like, or rather, how you will look to others? If so, catch yourself, and stop yourself in your own tracks. Pick out an outfit the night before, or stick to a few staple pieces that you always feel good in. Cut out the “worry time” you engage in every morning, and start plunging straight into your day.

At the same time, learn to find comfort in the unexpected. Realize that planning out every minute of your life is not just impossible, but it also cuts you off from ever feeling truly surprised.

Diverge from your normal routine once in a while. Approach your boss with a new idea, try out a new hobby, and stop waiting for potential suitors to check every single one of your boxes before you give them a chance.

If you start actively putting yourself in new situations and environments, your full potential will start to come to fruition. And in those moments, you will realize that you are more than capable of existing– and thriving– outside the confines of the box you place yourself in.

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Katharina Buczek graduated from Stony Brook University with a degree in Journalism and a minor in Digital Arts. Specializing ... More about Katharina Buczek

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