His Wife Doesn’t Like Their Middle Child, And He’s Concerned
How would you feel if your spouse openly admitted to having a least favorite child? Is it okay to rank your kids, or is such a dynamic detrimental to family relationships?
That’s the sticky situation this 41-year-old man has found himself in. He and his wife, who’s 43, have been married for about 13 years, and they have three daughters together.
Their eldest, who is 11, and their youngest, aged 6, are both on the autism spectrum. However, their needs differ.
More specifically, his eldest daughter actually has a mild form of autism and is extremely easygoing. She listens to directions, is “content in her own bubble,” and doesn’t ask for much.
“She’s introverted and has the most in common with her mom. She’s homeschooled, like her mom was, and really thrives in that setup,” he detailed.
Meanwhile, their 6-year-old daughter has high-needs autism and attends special education throughout the year. He admitted that caring for her is a constant struggle, yet she’s also a very affectionate little girl.
It’s his and his wife’s 8-year-old middle daughter, though, and her relationship with his wife that’s been concerning him. Apparently, she’s neurotypical, attends public school, and has a more argumentative or strong-willed personality.
“I don’t know where she gets it from, but she turns everything into a negotiation and will argue to the end. She constantly wants something bought for her, done for her, or to be taken somewhere,” he explained.
“If you tell her she can pick one thing at the store, she’ll pick three, and try to make you feel guilty for saying no.”
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Socially, his middle daughter is also very extroverted and is always hanging out with her friends. In fact, whenever she has access to her iPad, she will FaceTime her best friend for as long as she can.
His wife supposedly tried to homeschool her as well, but they definitely clashed due to his daughter’s “negotiating” and frequent arguing. That’s why she begged to attend public school, and now, a year later, she adores it.
But what’s confusing to him is the duality of his middle daughter’s behavior. Whenever she’s at school or with her friends and their parents, for instance, no one ever has any problems or complaints. Rather, she receives a “glowing report.”
Things work similarly for him when his wife is away and he’s left to care for the kids alone. He feels like everything goes smoother since he’s more direct with his daughter.
“I don’t negotiate, and I don’t offer second chances. It’s not about being harsh, but if you give her an inch, she’ll take a mile,” he noted.
Nonetheless, as soon as he and his wife are both home, it’s a different story. She takes their daughter’s disobedience personally, gets wrapped up in long-winded “verbal battles,” and tends to call him in only after the situation has escalated. And by that point, he thinks his daughter is usually past the point of no return.
In other words, she can’t be reasoned with, and no redirections or consequences he comes up with work. So, a simple statement such as “It’s time to brush your teeth” devolves into a total breakdown after his daughter claims she wants to grab a snack instead.
The worst part? He feels that, after he’s calmed down a situation and tried to move on, his wife continues to bring it back up, making remarks like, “I can’t believe you.” To him, it seems as if she’s trying to win an argument when it’s already over.
And over this past weekend, he finally hit his breaking point. It all began when their middle daughter went camping over July 4 with her best friend, and after she left, his wife walked through the door and exclaimed, “Middle is gone!”
“She frequently makes indirect comments implying that our middle daughter is difficult or always causing problems. I can’t help but feel like that kind of labeling only makes things worse,” he revealed.
He’s also tried making suggestions to help, but his wife is combative and responds with things like “She behaves better for you because you’re not with her as much” and “You don’t know what she does to me.”
Now, he’s not sure how to “reset” their relationship, and he’s wondering if anyone else has ever navigated a similar parent-child dynamic.
Could their middle daughter be exhibiting attention-seeking behavior? Should they consider family counseling? What would you do?
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