It’s hard to admit when love turns into fear, especially when you’ve been with someone for ten years. But somewhere between graduation and now, he stopped feeling like a partner and started feeling like a provider. And not in the romantic “we’re in this together” way; it’s in the “I’m doing this alone” kind of way.
Fifteen months ago, this 27-year-old man’s 29-year-old fiancée graduated with her PhD, and ever since, she has not managed to find herself a job.
They’re supposed to get married at the end of this year, and he’s terrified to be trapped in a marriage where his wife comfortably stays at home doing nothing while he’s left to make all the money they need to support themselves.
He and his fiancée are high school sweethearts who ended up going to the same college for engineering degrees. He stopped at his master’s while his fiancée pursued a PhD.
“I got a job so I could support us while she wrapped up school. I never felt any hesitation – this was an investment in us and our future, and I thought that she would eventually get a much better job than me because of her good education,” he explained.
“Well, that’s not what has happened. She finished 15 months ago, and since then has been unemployed. I know she’s been looking for work, but after 15 months, she’s had [fewer] than 5 interviews. She does some pet sitting on the side to get her out of the house, but most of her day is spent on TikTok.”
“I was pretty disappointed that she didn’t start job hunting until after finishing school. She often said she felt overwhelmed and just wanted to get through the program and worry about what came next later.”
Because of that, he backed off, even though he was worried. He resolved to leave her if she failed to get a job after a year, but here he is 15 months later, still with her.
His fiancée did encounter some mental health struggles during her undergrad, but she received medication and therapy, and she’s been stable ever since.
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The challenges his fiancée faced meant that she could not participate in internships or additional extracurricular activities that would help with landing a job out of school.
He feels that it negatively impacted his fiancée and her employability post-college.
“I’m now almost 5 years into a professional career, and I’m starting to make a lot more than I used to. I bought a condo earlier this year, which I’m very proud of. I’ve been paying for all our expenses, her student loans, and her car,” he added.
“I’m just worried about being taken advantage of. I have a decent salary and I own property. I’m scared that if we get married, she’ll feel less motivated to keep looking for a job.”
“If we have a kid, she’ll probably end up staying home, and by the time she can go back to work, she’ll be years out of school with no experience.”
He’s spent a decade with his fiancée, and her life is interwined with his. He doesn’t think he can call off their wedding and wreck their relationship over her unemployment status, but he’s curious how long is too long to wait for her to get it together.
I think he needs to stop waiting around for her to change. It’s time for him to have a real conversation about what happens if she doesn’t.
She’s showing him she’s not that motivated, and she’s not willing to be the equal partner he’s clearly looking for. If she can’t get out of her own way, it sounds like he should call off the wedding.
What advice do you have for him?
By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
