There’s so much that goes into maintaining a happy marriage, from communication and trust to respect, support, and commitment. But for many, one non-negotiable factor is physical affection.
So what would you do if your spouse flat-out stated that sleeping together was “off the table?” Is that something you’d be able to deal with, or might it signal the end of your relationship?
This 38-year-old man is currently dealing with the same situation. And spoiler alert: it caused him to tell his wife that he wanted a divorce.
For some background, he has a high drive in the bedroom; meanwhile, his wife, who’s 36, does not. And despite having kids together, they haven’t been physically affectionate for the last four years.
Throughout that time, he’d tried talking to his wife, too, and telling her that he wanted more playfulness and, well, effort, in their day-to-day life to keep the romance alive. But apparently, she took this to mean that she was “responsible” for his physical needs.
“I still am struggling to understand because, when I promised to forsake all others, I thought I was choosing to be in a relationship where my partner would proactively want to meet my relationship needs, not out of responsibility or duty, but because we were in tune with each other,” he reasoned.
He always thought they shared the same values and desires. Obviously, though, that’s just not the case, and he realizes that’s okay.
To be clear, he doesn’t fault his wife for having different needs than he does. He just recognizes that their differing preferences mean their marriage is no longer the “right fit” for him.
“And I don’t think I owe it to the marriage to keep depriving myself of something that makes me feel loved and alive,” he noted.
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He came to this realization recently, when he and his wife attended couples therapy, and she suggested they take sleeping together “off the table.” That way, they could focus their energy elsewhere, and he could “wait” for her to be interested again.
The main issue? His wife confessed that she couldn’t guarantee her desire for physical affection would increase in the future. So, in the meantime, she stated that she loved him and their partnership as best friends, but wouldn’t commit to sleeping with him.
Following this conversation, he took a couple of days to think and wound up thanking his wife for being honest with him. Then, he decided to be transparent, too.
“I said you’re not responsible for my needs, but I owe it to myself to be in a relationship where those needs are met. And if that’s not possible with you anymore, then this marriage just isn’t the right fit for me,” he revealed.
According to him, they have a prenuptial agreement in place for when it’s time to divvy up assets. He also knows that splitting up may mean sacrificing full-time access to his kids. Nonetheless, he just doesn’t want to continue living a life that’s not truly happy and fulfilling.
Unfortunately, his wife doesn’t seem to get where he’s coming from. She accused him of blindsiding her with the divorce and claimed she didn’t want to be blamed for not satisfying his needs.
“And I thought: isn’t that exactly what I was doing? I took on the responsibility of all the choices I made, and sadly, that included choosing her,” he vented.
Regardless, his wife has been angry and defensive ever since he spoke up about wanting to split. And now, he can’t help but wonder whether leaving his wife because physical affection is no longer an option is justified or really does make him a jerk.
Does it sound like he and his wife are incompatible? Is it better for them to break up now rather than hold on to resentment for years to come? What advice would you give him?
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By Katharina Buczek
Katharina Buczek graduated from Stony Brook University with a degree in Journalism and a minor in Digital Arts. Specializing in... More about Katharina Buczek
