The biggest decisions college kids should be tasked with are how much to study and what to do with their free time, but he’s staring down a future filled with lifelong struggles.
He’s a dad-to-be who just got the news that his baby likely has a genetic condition that’s going to require a lot more care than he anticipated.
His girlfriend won’t let him in, leaving him in a limbo where giving her space feels a lot like avoiding a problem that isn’t going away.
This 20-year-old man and his 20-year-old girlfriend are both in college, and they accidentally ended up pregnant after eight months of dating. His girlfriend is 14 weeks along, and he knows they royally messed up, as they’re not prepared to be parents.
However, he informed his girlfriend that he would be supportive of whatever she decided to do, even though he’s been terrified to find himself in this position.
When his girlfriend said she plans to keep the baby, he melted down on the inside, and ever since then, he’s been trying to let it sink in that he’s about to be a dad.
“She had an ultrasound a few weeks ago. I went with her, and when I saw the baby, I was surprised by the sudden rush of happiness I felt,” he explained.
“Like genuinely happy. It was this rush mixed with absolute panic because it suddenly felt real. Before that, part of me was quietly hoping there wasn’t actually a baby, and it was all some mistake. I didn’t think I’d be mad at all if there was just nothing on the screen at all.”
“Everything looked normal on the ultrasound, but they found a spot on the baby’s heart. The doctor said it can be nothing and sometimes disappears, but it can also be a marker for things like Down syndrome. The moment she said that, I just felt a giant knot form in my stomach.”
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The doctor tried to comfort them by pointing out that often, the spots are meaningless, and since his girlfriend is really young, the baby might be perfectly fine.
The doctor suggested they get a blood test done so they could screen for problems, and the results came back to them yesterday.
It turns out that their baby is a boy with an 84% chance of having Down syndrome, but nothing else came back alarming from the test.
“There’s another test we can do pretty much confirm one way or another. My girlfriend doesn’t know if she wants to do it yet. She’s completely overwhelmed, which I get since it’s barely been 12 [hours] since we found out,” he said.
“She basically shut down emotionally and didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I feel like I’m drowning. I was already terrified about having a baby at all.”
“We aren’t prepared for a perfectly healthy kid, let alone one who may have serious medical needs. I was still in the process of convincing myself we could do this. I keep reading that Down syndrome isn’t just developmental. It can come with heart problems and lifelong health issues.”
He’s worried about how he and his girlfriend will manage a baby with Down syndrome. He thinks it’s simply not possible for them to deal with.
He’s feeling completely unprepared to have a baby, let alone one with health problems and special needs. While he gets that his girlfriend is engulfed in her own emotions, she’s hardly speaking to him.
She won’t discuss the situation; she’s withdrawn from him and seems not want him anywhere near her, yet expects him to be supportive.
“At the same time, I’m dealing with my own fear. I was already scared about becoming a parent at our age, and now I’m panicking internally about finances, school, and whether I’m capable of handling everything that might come with this,” he continued.
“I don’t know if I should keep giving her space, even though it feels like she’s pulling away from me, or if I should push for a real conversation even if it upsets her in the short term.”
“How do you support somebody who shuts you out during a crisis? At what point does giving space turn into avoiding the problem?”
It’s hard enough to be a parent to a child, let alone to one with special needs. I think he should try to get his parents and his girlfriend’s parents to sit down with the two of them, because that seems like the best way to help her have a conversation about all the hard things they need to discuss.
She can’t keep ignoring him because decisions have to be made here, and quickly.
What advice do you have for him?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
