There are studies out there that do prove that getting revenge on someone only hurts you in the long run and makes you feel worse.
But science aside, would you still want to seek revenge on your spouse if you discovered that they were having an affair with their ex?
It was three years after marrying his wife that this man learned that she was having an affair with her ex. Back then, he had recently opened a new office, his job was crazy, and his wife was battling health problems.
Honestly, he always knew deep down that his wife still had love for her ex, despite her claiming it wasn’t true. He believes his wife was chasing after the feeling of what it’s like to be in love for the first time, which means you have no pressure, responsibilities, or bills.
A couple of weeks prior to his uncovering the affair, his wife began sharing personal details about her ex and his family, completely out of the blue. He wasn’t worried, but in hindsight, he feels like his wife was unknowingly outing herself as a cheater.
“People always say cheaters drop little clues subconsciously, and now it feels exactly like that. One evening, something just told me to check her phone,” he explained.
“I found messages showing they’d met multiple times. One time was in my car, a brand new BMW that I paid for and let her use. According to her, they got into the back of the car together, and it ‘didn’t fully happen,’ but there was still [physical] stuff going on.”
“She also admitted she drove him around while he was dealing drugs. Then, a couple of weeks later, she went to his house and slept with him. She says she felt sick afterward and left straight away. I don’t even know what to believe anymore.”
The messages his wife exchanged with her ex are the most hurtful part of the affair, because this was so much more than just a hookup to her.
Sign up for Chip Chick’s newsletter and get stories like this delivered to your inbox.
His wife was questioning her ex about whether there was more to their relationship, even though he also had a girlfriend. His wife additionally lent her ex money, and the guy never paid her back.
He issued his wife an ultimatum and said she had to pick between him and her ex. She actually needed time to think it over, which broke him.
His wife did choose him, but he’s afraid his wife would have left him for her ex if the guy had really wanted her in the end.
“Now, to be fair and honest, she always said at the time that she felt lonely and neglected. At first, I treated that as just an excuse, and cheating is never justified, but if I’m being brutally honest with myself, there was truth in it too,” he said.
“I was young, around 27/28. I had just opened a new office, and I was barely home. If I wasn’t working, I was out with friends doing what young guys do. I was…spending more time away from home than in it.”
“Financially, I handled everything. I paid the rent, bills, cars, pretty much everything. I was the breadwinner entirely. Looking back, I think part of me felt because I was carrying everything financially, I could move how I wanted and be out as much as I wanted.”
Following the affair, he did change and invested more time into his homelife and being with his wife. Their marriage did bounce back with that effort on his part.
They’re currently six years out from the affair, and he and his wife have gone on to have two little kids who are four and one. He likes his life, and his wife hasn’t indicated that she will end up cheating on him again.
His wife is a great partner to him and a wonderful mom. They’ve made amazing memories, gone on vacations, and enjoyed holidays together.
“On the surface, we moved past it. But if I’m honest, something inside me changed permanently during that period. I lost a level of respect that I’ve never fully got back. It’s like something cracked internally and never repaired properly,” he continued.
“Even now, years later, I still get thoughts like ‘if I cheated now, it would almost be justified because she did it first.’ I know that probably sounds toxic, but I’m being honest. I’ve never acted on it, but the thoughts are there sometimes.”
“And before people say ‘just leave,’ it’s not that simple. I still love her deeply. And there is absolutely no way I could cope with not seeing my kids every single day.”
There’s a piece of him that has not completely managed to trust his wife or respect her again, and he’s wondering if those feelings will ever go away.
I’m curious if the whole leaning towards wanting revenge thing really stems from his wife telling him she needed to think about whether she wanted him or her ex.
I mean, if somebody said that to me, I would be fully out and not interested in waiting around for someone to decide if they really want me or not.
His wife didn’t suffer any consequences for her affair and got to carry on as normal. He’s not at peace because nothing really got resolved; his wife’s ex just didn’t want to commit to her, and he came in second place.
At the end of the day, there is no excuse to justify cheating, and it’s something that only happens when you have no respect or love for your spouse.
I’m afraid that because he’s now in a position where he’s thinking of being unfaithful, perhaps he no longer has love or respect for his wife (and she evidently never had that for him).
What advice do you have for him?
You can read the original post below.
By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
