I highly doubt it’s a good idea to start dating someone you want to change, because you’re just setting yourself up for failure if it doesn’t work out.
But how would you feel if you came across a secret list your partner made of all the things they don’t like about you and want to be different?
It’s been close to four years since this 28-year-old woman and her 32-year-old boyfriend started dating. Now, she normally doesn’t go around reading her boyfriend’s diary, but for some reason, one morning, she was compelled to take a peek.
She realizes it was inappropriate for her to invade his privacy like that, and she really regrets it, considering what she found inside and how much it pained her to read it.
“Basically, the entry was about me and our relationship. He had a list of things he didn’t like about me when we first started dating (he didn’t think my job was cool, didn’t like my friends, thought I was too shy, I didn’t have a lot of hobbies, and I wasn’t outdoorsy),” she explained.
“He also had a list of things he wants to change about me now (he wants me to be more physically fit, wants me to be more outdoorsy, wants me to be less shy, wants me to have more hobbies). He wrote, ‘Is it okay that I’m excited to meet other people?’ and then circled it.”
“He thinks I am ‘intensely dedicated’ to our relationship, and it makes him uncomfortable. I’m obviously feeling very hurt. I have always known we were very different, but I have come to embrace it and would never ask him to change himself.”
She and her boyfriend spend a lot of time together, and she invests effort into planning fun activities for them. While she admits she’s not extremely athletic, she loves new experiences and traveling.
Her boyfriend has pressured her into taking up his interests and hobbies, and while she’s given it a try, she doesn’t like them at all.
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She has her own set of hobbies and doesn’t want to expand her horizons. She’s beginning to see that nothing is ever good enough for her boyfriend when it comes to her.
“He has struggled to fully commit [for] our entire relationship. He is very flighty and runs away from conflict. He tells me he wants to get married, and then turns around and says he doesn’t feel the need to be with someone forever,” she continued.
“For context, in his previous relationship, he shared all the same hobbies with his ex. She was athletic, had a cool job, but he broke up with her because there ‘wasn’t enough passion,’ and he felt like he was dating his friend.”
“With me, the passion is there, but I’m ‘too dedicated’ and ‘don’t share the same hobbies.’ I feel like he expects to date himself
I’m sorry if this is all over the place. I feel pretty scattered. I’m seeking advice, opinions, or personal stories. I’m not sure how to move forward, and obviously I don’t want to tell him I read this.”
What I find most alarming is that he admitted he’s thrilled about seeing other people, which makes it sound like he’s already out there pursuing other girls and trying to find someone better than her.
That alone is not cool, and adding to that the list of things he dislikes about her has me wondering why he is even still with her. He can’t like her that much, so she should leave him, because why waste your time dating someone like this?
What advice do you have for her?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
