There are so many reasons why someone might want to cheat on their spouse, and validation is a big one. But what would you do if you constantly told your spouse how much you loved their appearance, and they cheated on you, then said they were looking for validation?
This man’s wife had a full-blown online affair with a long-time friend of hers named M. The affair was mainly emotional, though they sent some inappropriate texts to one another, too.
“For most of last year, she had been sending him [pictures of herself without clothes on] and carrying on inappropriate conversations via a social media DM platform,” he explained.
“She has also admitted to having inappropriate conversations with him off and on throughout our marriage, but last year was when it got really ‘serious,’ for lack of a better term.”
“She claims that pictures were only sent last year, oddly enough, while she was pregnant with our 4th child. She says she was looking for validation and that she was uncomfortable in her body and didn’t like the changes happening.”
His wife has always been muscular and fit from the moment he met her. He’s told her all along how much he loves her and how beautiful she is.
His wife has said he praises her appearance to no end, and he can honestly sit here and say his wife is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen.
He and his wife have argued on and off throughout their years together, and two years ago, they attended marriage counseling. He figured that was helping them improve their relationship, especially since his wife seemed so much brighter, and she was no longer complaining about her body as much.
Additionally, his wife constantly told him that she adored the life they had built together, but now he knows he was not the cause of her being so happy.
“Looking back, it’s probably because she was DM-ing this guy every day. Since we’ve been together, nearly a decade, I have begged her to send me pictures…whatever she felt. I love seeing her in her many forms,” he added.
“But she told me early in our relationship that she doesn’t send pictures. And about 3 months ago, she drops the bomb on me: she’s not only been having inappropriate conversations with this guy, but she’s been sending him photos of herself.”
“At first, she swore that they were never [without clothes], but that came out as a lie about two months later. She also dropped that she met with him on her birthday last year when she requested a ‘day to herself’ to get a massage/salt float and just hang out alone (3 kids at the time, so I was all for it). This is important for context, as it’s right around the time our 4th child was conceived.”
He is willing to accept the role he played in their marriage going sideways, and he admits he’s been tough to live with (and his wife has been as well).
He and his wife used to live in a tiny apartment attached to another couple’s home, which made his wife so upset. His wife didn’t get along with the wife who lived in the house, and he refused to speak to her about her feelings and instead threw himself into projects he thought she would like.
She did say she felt cramped, so he made her a shed. He built her raised garden beds and a chicken coop when he should have figured out a new living arrangement.
His wife was waiting for him to have a chat with her about how she felt like she was drowning, but he was too busy building. He was not as sympathetic as he should have been, and his wife characterized him as hostile.
So that was really the catalyst that made his wife feel like she was drifting away from him, and that’s when she started talking to her affair partner online. It did start as a once-in-a-while thing, but grew after a few years.
“Then we dealt with a premature birth and the NICU, [which] really hurt her. I did what [I] thought was supposed to do and stayed rock steady during the whole ordeal and didn’t cry until the baby was home,” he added.
“She wanted me to be emotional and vulnerable so that she didn’t feel alone. I definitely missed that opportunity. Then last year, when she was pregnant with our 4th, we found out the gender.”
“I was ecstatic, and she was in shock. I wasn’t very kind about that, as we had both wanted our baby to be the gender that was announced, but she was downtrodden about it the day of. According to her, that’s what sent this most recent trust into effect.”
So, circling back to his wife’s infidelity, he’s still hanging in there and trying to fix his marriage, but he’s having a hard time wrapping his brain around her reason for cheating in the first place.
His wife says she was looking for validation, which puzzles him, as he has always told her that she’s incredible and gorgeous, no matter how difficult their marriage has been.
He questioned his wife about who sent photos first, but she claims not to recall. He’s asked his wife what she got out of the affair, and she responded nothing.
His wife says this man was only her friend, but friends don’t send photos like that. His wife maintains that because this man was her friend, the affair was a non-issue. He even asked his wife if she thought about how what she did could spell the death of their marriage, and that slipped her mind.
“I’ve asked why she refused to send me pictures, and she says it’s not something she thinks of. I don’t understand: how [can you] not know or remember when/how an affair started? Who started it?” he wondered.
“How [can you not see the impact on the] marriage/family. What makes you need validation from another man when you have it daily at home?…I feel like without answers from her, I’m not going to be able to heal and move beyond this.”
“And if that happens, no matter how much work we do to rebuild, it won’t work. I love her with all my heart and desperately want to make this marriage work and last the tests of time…She claims they only met for coffee and that the baby is mine.”
I agree with him that he can’t move on or forgive her if she can’t give him the answers he’s looking for. It seems to me that his wife doesn’t actually understand why she cheated, and that’s something she has to work on.
I think he should request that his wife go to therapy individually and that they go back to marriage counseling on top of that to try to get to the bottom of everything.
If she’s willing to do that and put in the work to mend their marriage, he should stay with her. If not, he should walk away because it proves she’s not interested in fighting for him. Oh, and he should definitely get a paternity test done.
What advice do you have for him?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
