Love alone is rarely enough, and that’s one of the hardest truths to face. You can love someone deeply and still know that staying would destroy you both.
When your partner’s truth changes, it doesn’t automatically make you cruel for realizing yours has to, too. Sometimes the most honest thing you can do for someone you love is to let them become who they are, even if that means losing what you had.
Back before this woman even got engaged to her husband four years ago, he expressed to her his desire to transition from a man to a woman.
In that moment, she reassured her husband that she loved him regardless and was supportive of him transitioning. She wasn’t lying to him; she did mean what she said.
“I love him deeply and wanted him to feel safe being honest with me. But as the weeks went by, I started to realize how uncomfortable I actually felt about it,” she explained.
“It made me feel really conflicted and, honestly, kind of icky when I pictured him changing or thought about being intimate after a transition. I felt horrible even thinking that way, but I couldn’t force myself to feel differently.”
“I ended up telling him how I felt; that while I respected him and his identity, it wasn’t something I was personally comfortable with in my romantic relationship.”
Her husband’s feelings were deeply hurt, which she can’t fault him for. Then, they got unexpectedly pregnant, and her husband said they should drop the topic of his transition.
He wanted to switch his focus to giving their kids a dad, so she never brought up the subject again. Instead, she pretended it never even was a conversation that they had.
Sign up for Chip Chick’s newsletter and get stories like this delivered to your inbox.
But approximately once every year, her husband will bring up transitioning, and it causes an enormous argument that makes them both feel frustrated.
So, while she was hoping this was all behind them, it’s not, and it’s something that’s increasingly on her husband’s mind, as he’s not feeling comfortable in his own body.
“Now, I’m just… exhausted. I love him, but I’m not happy. I feel like I can’t be my full self anymore, and I’m starting to see that he probably feels the same way,” she added.
“I feel like I’m holding him back from being who he really is, and at the same time, I feel like staying in this is slowly breaking me.”
“I know he deserves to live authentically. But I also know I deserve a relationship that feels right for me. I hate that both of those things can’t exist together.”
“…[Am I the jerk] for not wanting to stay with my husband, even though I still love him, because I know I can’t handle being in a romantic relationship if he transitions?”
Staying together for the kids is never the right choice, especially when it breeds resentment at home. I don’t see any solution aside from getting a divorce, since her husband isn’t happy, and neither is she.
The kindest thing she can do now is step aside with empathy, not guilt, to let him be free without losing herself in the process. Sometimes ending a marriage isn’t the opposite of love: it’s the last act of it.
You can read the original post below.
By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
