Moving in with your partner is a major milestone to meet in a relationship. But how would you feel if your significant other bought a house, made you pay the mortgage, and refused to add your name to the place even if you wound up getting married in the future? Would you feel used?
For the last eight months, this 25-year-old woman has been in a relationship with a guy the same age as her, who lives in a different state than she does.
She works from home, so she is able to travel to see him for more than a week once a month, and they spend a fair amount of time together.
They both make about $80,000, and are talking about her moving to live with him in a couple of months.
At the same time, her boyfriend has been house shopping without her, and she would prefer that they rent something affordable, get married, and then purchase a house together instead of him allowing this to be a separate venture.
“I currently live alone in a nice apartment. I don’t have the financial need to have roommates. I’m at the point in my life where I can prioritize my comforts while being financially sound, and I would prefer to continue doing so,” she explained.
“WFH and dog ownership also make the housing situation a priority. Now with him buying a house: This is not something he’s planned very far ahead… About 4 months ago, he started thinking about it, but he’s getting help for a down payment and not putting more than 4% down.”
“He’s looking at 3-bedroom houses in suburban areas for around 350k. His current roommate is planning to move into this house and rent a room. I would move in and share a bedroom with my boyfriend, splitting the remainder of the mortgage.”
That was their original agreement, but then her boyfriend sprang it on her that he has a man who wants to live in the basement to help make the living costs even less.
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She does not know this man at all, and it’s not something she’s interested in signing up for. The savings would be an additional $400 a month each with this extra roommate, but that’s not worth it to her.
She doesn’t want to be forced to live with a guy she didn’t know anything about. Her boyfriend pressured her to get on board with the new agreement, or she will have to cover the $800 a month that this guy would be paying him. You can see why she’s irritated.
“Although it’s commendable [my] BF is buying a house, I feel like his #1 priority is finances, while my wants are an afterthought. Meanwhile, I’m moving states away from all my friends and family to make this relationship work,” she added.
“I obviously don’t have a say in the house or neighborhood selection. And with the new plans he just laid out, I’ll be living with 3 men, 2 of whom I’ve only met a handful of times.”
“Amidst expressing concerns [about] this situation to my BF, he said these are sacrifices we’re making for our future, etc., etc. This led us to the second point of conflict. We’ve talked about marriage in a year or so down the line. He believes that once we get married, we can kick roommates out of the house, so it’ll just be the two of us, and then we would split the mortgage.”
She would want to refinance the house and add her name to the title and loans, because if they do ever get divorced, she will be out of luck.
Her boyfriend doesn’t want her to have any ownership of his future home, yet insists she should keep on paying him rent since she would have to if she were living alone.
But like she said, in a divorce, her boyfriend would wind up profiting off of her and the mortgage payments she would be making to him.
“I’m starting to find this whole situation ridiculous. The sacrifices I’m making up front for moving and living with people I don’t know already feel like a lot. This feels more like a ‘me’ sacrifice than a ‘me and him’ sacrifice,” she continued.
“On top of this, his mindset about finances once we’re married doesn’t feel right. I’ll be living in this house with no say while we’re dating, while I help pay his mortgage. Then, while we’re married, I’ll be paying for his mortgage still, in a house that I didn’t choose, while I have no ownership of it.”
“Trying to decide if I’m overreacting or if these are red flags. Any experience from couples where one person owned a house prior to marriage?”
It does sound to me like her boyfriend is completely using her so that he can make buying a house more affordable. It’s also rude of him to expect her to pay for his mortgage, yet not even allow her to help pick out the home or neighborhood that it’s in.
He sounds selfish and disrespectful to me. This man is not worth uprooting her life over. She should stay put in her lovely apartment and find a new boyfriend who won’t take advantage of her.
What advice do you have for her?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
