Waiting until the very second your youngest child goes off to college to drop divorce papers might seem like a plot from a movie, but that’s his life.
He spent two decades playing the role of the invisible provider, watching his own parents get treated like courtesy guests while his in-laws ran the show.
From cooking meals nobody would eat to being told he couldn’t even lock his own bedroom door, he felt like a stranger in his own home, so he left it all behind. Did he pull the ultimate jerk move by finally prioritizing his own happiness and bailing the moment the nest was empty?
This man wishes he had heeded his father’s advice before getting married. But back then, he was an 18-year-old know-it-all. He was head over heels in love and wanted to be with that girl no matter what it took.
So, he did get married. He and his wife got jobs, then had two children. His wife’s loved ones helped them out with everything at home.
“My family was as supportive as they could be, but we sidelined them. We spent all our holidays with my wife’s family. Both kids’ birthday parties were held at my in-laws, and my parents were invited as a courtesy,” he explained.
“We both worked and raised the kids, but as time went on, there were two groups in our home. [She] and the kids were one, then there was me.”
“All of my choices were undermined. All of my wishes were dismissed. I could not even have privacy in my own bedroom by locking the door because it stressed the kids to knock.”
20 years into his marriage, he was over it all. He no longer wanted to be with his wife. Last fall, his youngest kid went to college, and that same week, he filed for divorce.
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He and his wife didn’t have any assets except for the cars they drove, so it was a relatively simple split. In the end, he exited his marriage with absolutely nothing to show for two decades of his life, save for his kids, who never even prioritized his side of the family.
His now ex-wife is still saying he caught her off guard with the divorce and had no clue that he was so miserable. He questioned his ex about what made her think he was happy with her, considering all of the nonstop fights they had had over the last 14 years.
“I asked her what she thought it meant that I was constantly suggesting we get counseling. Both for ourselves and her for how she dedicated all her energy [to] the kids instead of us or herself,” he added.
“I said that when my dog died, I didn’t get a new one because I knew that although I would be the one to care for them and pay all the bills, she would find a way to claim him during a divorce. So I’m 41 and starting over. It took me no time to find a better job.”
“The only thing keeping me in my old one was that I was home every night. Now I’m working in a different city, doing night shift, and making more money than I ever did before. I have a rescue dog I got the week I left. I’m walking him more and have met new friends in my neighborhood and at the dog park.”
However, although things are looking up for him, there’s one thing still looming over his head: his ex, his kids, and his in-laws think he’s a major jerk for not actually stating that he was unhappy and just walking away.
The thing is, he did convey to his ex all of the things that were upsetting him during their time spent together. He told her it made him distressed that the kids were permitted to barge into their bedroom without having to knock.
He was bothered by his wife and kids not wanting to eat the cultural food he cooked. It hurt him when he had to go to all of his family events by himself, because his wife wasn’t down to go with him or allow the kids to tag along.
And that’s only the tip of the iceberg. He has a million other things he could sit here and list out as contributors to the death of his marriage.
“I’ve started dating. She is amazing. Shelly is a teacher. Never been married. 32. We aren’t at the meeting family stage yet, but I’ve met a lot of her friends, and I will be attending Easter at her house, where she is hosting for everyone who isn’t going home,” he continued.
“This is another problem because I have moved on so quickly. It’s really not. I had been checked out of our marriage for years. She is having a tougher time. She is not in the right place to date, and her priorities are the kids. The adult kids who do not live at home.”
“I’ve seen a few posts lately that made me want to ask. I know how I feel. I know how she feels. I’m mostly estranged from my family, so I don’t count their opinions. And the kids and her family have been clear about [my] abandoning her after all this time.”
He’s left wondering if he’s a jerk for getting out of his marriage as soon as his youngest went off to college.
I find his story heartbreaking, to be frank. He really was just a man with a paycheck to his entire family, wasn’t he? His wife isolated him by not letting him spend time with his own side of the family, and I think she’s mad he’s no longer allowing her to control him.
I can’t believe he waited this long to file for divorce. I guess he didn’t want to have to pay child support or make the lives of his kids unstable or something, but still, he did a whole lot of suffering for nothing.
I don’t think he will regret not spending more time with people who don’t care about him (i.e., his wife and kids). Time for him to be happy.
What do you think?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
