It’s really not that unheard of for a married person to catch feelings for a friend. But if it happened to your spouse, and they refused to stop their friendship in order to save your marriage, what would you do?
Last month, this woman’s husband stated that he wanted to get divorced. He felt lonely and doubted that they were compatible. She can’t exactly fault him for that, as they have spent the last few years drifting apart.
“It started when I couldn’t seem to talk to him about my feelings; he would often criticize and become impatient with me rather than listen to me,” she explained.
“I carried the burden of bills, most of the housework, taking care of teenagers, a dying father, and several health issues. I also work a full-time job. When he came to me, he said it was because I don’t have enough time for him in my life.”
That’s not the whole truth here, though. If her husband had been more supportive of her while she was dealing with all of those hardships, they would have spent more time with one another.
Additionally, if her husband had been more in tune with her needs, he would have been able to tell that she was looking to him for emotional comfort and not just physical fun.
Right after he brought up a divorce, he said that he fell in love with one of his female friends who goes on hikes with him. Occasionally, those trips last more than a week.
“He confided in her about his relationship issues. He developed feelings for her. He told me at one point that he knows just as much about her as he does about me,” she added.
“He told me he would wake up thinking about her instead of me. It was a DEEP hurt and still is. I understand they were friends first. The ‘cheating’ happened with his heart and head, nothing physical, and she doesn’t even know about it.”
“I owned my part of our relationship issues. I shut down and became emotionally unavailable to him after trying to talk to him and being shut down and made to feel like I was only burdening him for years. I just became numb to it and let it sit.”
Lately, she and her husband have been having some incredible discussions about their feelings. He finally sees why she was uneasy speaking to him, and she gets why her husband felt so alone, which caused him to look elsewhere for love.
She thought their marriage was stronger than ever and that she and her husband had reached the peak of their emotional connection following these chats.
She does want to be with her husband, because he’s her best friend and the love of her life, even though he no longer feels the same way about her.
And now her husband still wants to be friends with the woman he fell in love with.
“He wants to go on a week-long hike with her in December (possibly ONLY her if I don’t go, which I’m on the fence about because I don’t know if I can bring myself to go knowing she’ll be there). I have nothing against her. She seems like a wonderful person,” she continued.
“I trust my husband when he says that he thinks she can go back into the ‘friend’ category. I don’t want to be his jailer. I don’t want to tell him what he can and can’t do. But I want him to understand the pain I’m feeling right now about him wanting to continue to be friends with her.”
“I don’t think I can do that; I’ve tried so hard. I’ve read books and posts and tried to talk myself into being more understanding in his shoes. I don’t ever want to be the reason a friendship had to end. But I also know that right now, I don’t think I can handle it if he insists on remaining friends with her after knowing how much it’s hurting me.”
She’s left wondering if she’s being unreasonable for expecting her husband to cut ties with his friend or if there’s more she can do to make herself get on board with this friendship.
This really is a no-brainer; her husband should be willing to give up his friendship with this woman in order to save their marriage. Choosing her instead of his friend would also prove he still finds their marriage to be a priority.
On top of that, her husband thinking it’s acceptable to go on a solo hiking trip with the woman he is now in love with is insanity to me.
It sounds like her husband is hoping she will be cool with staying married to him while he makes his friend into a girlfriend. He’s going to jump ship as soon as this other woman reciprocates his feelings.
I can’t believe she wasn’t down to get divorced when her husband brought it up, along with his passion for another woman. Why is she holding onto him? I would be waving bye-bye!
What advice do you have for her?
You can read the original post below.
Sign up for Chip Chick’s newsletter and get stories like this delivered to your inbox.
By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
