Her Friend Set Her Up With A Guy Who Ended Up Being Abusive, And Now She Is Not Sure If She Should Tell Her Friend Because Her Ex Will Likely Get Ostracized And Alienated From His Friend Group

Anastasia - stock.adobe.com - illustrative purposes only, not the actual person
Anastasia - stock.adobe.com - illustrative purposes only, not the actual person

This thirty-seven-year-old woman has a good friend who is forty. And recently, her friend decided to set her up with a guy who is forty-six.

She claims that she and the new guy had an immediate connection and shared really great chemistry.

Things went so well, in fact, that she and the guy even decided to start exclusively dating each other the very next morning after their first date.

Now, when her friend had first brought up setting her up with the guy, she learned that he had gotten out of a toxic, eight-year relationship about five months prior.

So, after finding out that she and the guy became “boyfriend and girlfriend” so soon, her friend was really glad they were making each other happy.

And, of course, she could not have been more ecstatic, either.

“He was funny, loving, way into me, and I really thought he was a godsend,” she admitted.

She and her then-boyfriend would talk on the phone for hours every day, share their family histories, and even talk about what kind of dogs they wanted to get together.

Plus, they actually went on a vacation together after just three weeks of dating.

Anastasia – stock.adobe.com – illustrative purposes only, not the actual person

Soon afterward, though, it became clear that her boyfriend had a large amount of PTSD from a few different life events– including his recent breakup.

So, as the months went on, their relationship went from light and happy to super intense, sniping, and mean.

Her boyfriend began to insult her family members and friends, and he even cursed her out sometimes. Then, things turned even uglier.

First, her boyfriend started to critique her in bed. Afterward, he would recall past intimate encounters with other women and even comment on other women’s bodies right in front of her.

So, her self-esteem seriously plummeted. And even though she claims to have still loved him passionately at the time, she admitted that stress was literally radiating off of her.

Plus, her relationship was not the only tumultuous part of her life at that point. At the same time, she had also been going through a chaotic situation at work– and tried to use that as a scapegoat for her anxiety.

In hindsight, though, it is clear to her that her boyfriend was making her panic.

“He had also not been monogamous in his previous long-term relationships– he had been allowed to [be intimate] outside of them– so I was terrified waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to ask me for permission to sleep with other women,” she revealed.

While all of this was going on behind closed doors, though, her friends could not have been happier that she was so into the guy. But, after a while, she stopped eating and sleeping, and her friends started to worry.

It was then that she did tell a few people about her boyfriend’s verbal criticism and gaslighting. However, she only opened up about his physical abuse to her therapist.

Apparently, her boyfriend had “bonked” her on the side of her head a few times. He also grabbed her jaw and shook her head once.

She claims that she was never injured, and her boyfriend did not intend to physically harm her. But, the experiences were very jarring.

Thankfully, though, she did end up breaking it off with the guy– ultimately blaming her job and just telling him that she was too stressed out to be in a relationship.

Her good friends also know that she was heartbroken by the experience, and she has since been working on recovering in therapy.

“My therapist is making me read books about trauma and controlling men,” she added.

Still, though, she kind of feels obligated to open up about what really happened with her ex to the friend who set them up in the first place.

After all, she claims that it became really clear her friend had no clue about his personal life or “real nature” over the course of their relationship.

In fact, her friend only ever met her ex because they have a mutual hobby. He was also an outgoing guy who was really great with her friend’s young daughter.

So anyway, after she heard her ex say a few questionable things– and she reached out to her friend for insight– she realized her friend had no clue what she was talking about.

For instance, after they had been dating for three weeks, her ex reportedly started bragging about having slept with most of his female friends– including another mutual friend, with whom he had an on-and-off relationship for ten years.

She was shocked and ended up calling her friend to talk about that. During the conversation, she also mentioned how she would have appreciated a heads-up about the guy’s past.

Shockingly, though, her friend had no idea he had ever slept with another one of their mutual friends.

And now, her friend obviously does know that she and her ex have separated. However, she does not know the whole story and apparently just thinks everyone can remain civil friends.

“[My friend] wants to play this as, ‘I set up two friends, and they dated, and it didn’t work out, but that’s life, and we will all have a Friendsgiving!'” she vented.

So now, she feels like she has three different and upsetting options. The first one is that she could just keep hanging out with her friend while lying about her emotional trauma. Moreover, she could never reveal her ex’s real nature and keep pretending everything is all good– even though she admitted that would make her feel sick.

Second, she could be honest about what truly happened– even though that would really hurt her ex. More specifically, she is confident that her friend would probably immediately cut her ex off. Then, he would be ostracized from their mutual friend group, and it would likely turn into a lot of drama.

“It would also be very humiliating for me to admit to her what happened. I don’t want to do that. I will also come off as a vindictive ex,” she noted.

Finally, her last option is to just distance herself from her friend and stop hanging out with her. However, this would obviously really hurt her friend’s feelings, and it would likely seem as though she was just acting immature and petty.

So now, she honestly has no clue how to handle this situation and is wondering if just telling her friend the truth– even if it may humiliate her ex– would be the best way to go.

Do you think it is important for her friend to know about her ex in case her friend plans on trying to set him up with any more women? Shouldn’t her friend also know since their young danger is interacting with the guy? Should she be worried about her ex being ostracized by his friend group after what he did to her? What advice would you give this woman?

You can read the original post on Reddit here.

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Katharina Buczek graduated from Stony Brook University with a degree in Journalism and a minor in Digital Arts. Specializing ... More about Katharina Buczek

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