Has Your Relationship Lost Its Spark? Here Are Five Proactive Ways To Start Falling Back In Love With Your Partner
The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer, Katharina Buczek.
When relationships mature past the honeymoon phase and stuff starts to get “real,” it is only natural for couples to encounter hardships.
After all, you are trying to blend two completely separate lives together. You and your partner likely have different careers, run in different social circles, and enjoy interests that don’t always align. Your personalities are probably not entirely alike, either.
Don’t get me wrong: this is perfectly normal. And honestly, it is arguably better not to be exactly like your partner– because then, life can get pretty dull and predictable.
On the flip side, though, when you begin tackling challenges and roadblocks in a maturing relationship, other more negative feelings can bloom which were never present in your “honeymoon phase” relationship.
I’m talking about anger, upset, sadness, and possibly even resentment. At the end of the day, you know that you still love your partner. And you are dedicated to making your relationship work. But you might also recognize that you don’t feel “in love” the same way you did at the beginning.
If you can relate and you want to fall back in love, here are some proactive steps you can take to help reconnect with your partner and all of those fuzzy, warm feelings.
1. Quit Being Critical
Once you get to know your partner and pick up on their patterns and tendencies, it can be easy to start viewing them through a critical lens. Do you cringe when they chew loudly or internally sigh every time they forget to throw their socks in the hamper?
janifest – stock.adobe.com – illustrative purposes only, not the actual people
Similarly, you may start focusing on only your partner’s flaws or mistakes– cataloging them in your brain and becoming increasingly annoyed with their habits.
The truth is, though, that your partner likely had all of these “frustrating” qualities when you met them. You probably just did not notice them when you first hit it off because you were blinded by the butterflies.
On top of that, the real reason why you are being so judgemental ties back to your own “critical inner voice,” which projects and distorts frustrations, insecurities, and fears onto your partner.
I’m not saying everything your partner does is perfectly fine and deserving of complete acceptance– like missing the hamper every single morning. But, your critical inner voice may magnify these little issues and turn them into larger (false) themes.
For instance, if you feel like your partner’s busy schedule has been interfering with your one-on-one time, your critical inner monologue might lead you to believe that your partner is selfish or doesn’t even care about you. Moreover, you may get the idea to start ignoring your partner until they notice and try to make an effort.
A far better way to deal with this situation, though, is actually just opening up to your partner from the start and telling them how you feel.
In order to stay in love or fall back in love, you cannot nitpick every single thing your partner does and build these acts up inside your head. Rather, you have to actively resist the attitude and often harmful advice your inner critical voice might give you.
No, this does not mean you should just blatantly ignore your partner’s downfalls. But, by getting to the root of the problem via honesty and compassion, you can save yourself a lot of built-up frustration and resentment.
2. Practice Gratitude For The Day-To-Day
In conjunction with cutting down critiques, you can also practice mindfulness and gratitude for your partner on a daily basis.
Once you have been in a relationship for a while or even live with your partner, it can be extremely easy to stop appreciating the little things they do for you.
Does your boyfriend or girlfriend bring you a cup of coffee in bed every morning? Do they walk your pet when they know you are getting ready for work, cook dinner, or do the dishes because they know you hate it?
When couples fall into these routines, certain tasks or habits may become “expected” and feel like a “given.” But, by completing certain responsibilities for you, your partner still shows love via acts of service. And you can seriously boost romance and feelings of love by sharing your appreciation for their efforts.
Simply start by saying “thank you” more and voicing how much those “little things” make your day better. You can even throw in a few more “little things” of your own to show your partner how much you care through actions instead of words.
When life gets busy, gratitude can get lost in the shuffle. So, try to remember that you are a team, and focusing on how your partner makes your life better is key to staying in love.
3. Step Out Of Your Routine
When you first start dating someone, every single excursion you participate in together is a new experience. Even if you had gone hiking at a certain spot before or visited Target a thousand times, doing so with your new partner was different– simply because you were together.
Along the way, novel conversations and realizations also probably bloomed. Maybe you found a new lookout spot along your hike or learned about your partner’s love of the outdoors. While in Target, you might have figured out your partner’s favorite scent while browsing the candle aisle or realized they hate broccoli while in the produce section.
As you continue navigating life and get deeper into your relationship, though, it may feel like these “novel” experiences are a thing of the past.
Maybe you now go on the same hike every weekend, or visiting Target has become an “every Monday” thing. So, the conversations and connections you previously forged in these environments feel exhausted.
That’s why making a commitment to trying new things and stepping outside of your comfort zone is key for keeping the spark alive in relationships.
Life does not have to be predictable or bland after couples find their habits and routines. Instead, by throwing in new adventures every once in a while, the conversations and feelings of connection will only grow– giving you new things to talk about during your weekly grocery trip or ideas for trips to plan while taking hikes.
4. Support Individuality
In early relationships, most partners still maintain separate lives that are only brought together during date nights or hangouts. So, it is not hard to nurture individual interests and remain in touch with yourself.
Once you commit to a long-term relationship or start living together, though, you and your partner’s lives merge in a completely new way. And after a while, it can start to feel like you have lost touch with your own independence. The same can be said about your partner, too.
That’s why it is important that couples support each other’s individual interests and hobbies and give each other space to explore them.
I know that this may sound counterintuitive– the idea that space will help you and your partner fall more deeply in love. But, you have to remember that in the first place, you both fell in love as separate individuals.
So, by getting in touch with your own self, you will feel more fulfilled, energized, and empowered. And you can only truly love another human once you prioritize self-love and feel secure in your own life. Plus, everyone knows the saying, “Distance makes the heart grow fonder.” A little space can be a good thing, allowing you to re-enter your relationship with a fresh perspective and full heart.
5. Don’t Forget About Intimacy
When life gets chaotic, a kiss goodbye every morning and a hug goodnight may just become a short, normal part of your routine. But, these habitual acts are not really allowing you to tap into the benefits of intimacy.
Scientific studies have shown that physical affection leads to greater feelings of connection between partners. This is because affectionate touch produces oxytocin in your brain– a neuropeptide that promotes feelings of trust, bonding, and devotion.
So, make a conscious effort to slow down and find time to physically be present with your partner. Maybe take a few extra seconds during your goodnight hug or even just hold hands while watching Netflix after work. It can be that simple. And by literally staying in touch with your partner, you will start to feel a closer bond form again.
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