She Says That Moms Aren’t Superheroes, So Bad Dads Need To Stop Forcing Them Into This Role
Whether you’re a new mom or your children are in their thirties, there’s one thing that all mothers hear from everyone: you’re a superhero.
But what does that really mean? Why is that title given to only one parent of a child? Is it really the compliment we think it is?
Often, mothers are given the title of superhero when really all that they’re doing is being a good parent when their partner is clearly being a bad one.
This is the perspective that TikTok creator Marriage & Motherhood, @itsme_abbye, takes when responding to a parenting TikTok.
In the video that she stitched with, a dad is talking about how amazing his wife is because whenever she leaves town for a few days, she makes taking care of the kids so easy for him.
By “easy”, he means almost effortless: she literally lays out all of their clothes and backpacks for the days that she’ll be gone and leaves him instructions on what to cook for each kid for breakfast, including how long to cook it for.
“In a follow-up video, the wife came on and explained that her husband is amazing, but she gets severe anxiety and has OCD,” she said. “It’s clear that when she leaves for any period of time it causes her anxiety.”
In her own video, she goes on to talk about the reasons why moms have this perception of being “superheroes” and why it actually isn’t a good sign. Though it may seem like a normal thing because so many moms feel this way, it’s not how a healthy relationship should function, she says.
“Much like a lot of moms who when they step out for the night, or for any time to leave the house, they feel like they have to leave dedicated instructions for caring for the children,” she said. “But do you know why that happens? Why moms experience such anxiety and feel that they have to overfulfill needs in their absence?”
_chupacabra_ – stock.adobe.com – illustrative purposes only, not the actual people
All of this actually boils down to one simple quality in a relationship: trust.
“It’s because there’s a lack of trust,” she said. “It’s because, at one point or another, they tried to hand that task off to their partner, and their partner failed so miserably at it that they can no longer trust them to fulfill the needs of their children and their home in their absence.”
It’s an interesting take, but a sensible one at that. It makes sense why a mother would feel this anxiety over leaving their child for the first time, but leaving them with the other parent shouldn’t cause this level of stress.
“It’s so much easier for us to just say, ‘wow, moms are superheroes; wow, moms remember everything; wow, moms are down with life,’ than it is to hold men accountable and hold society accountable for their low expectations of men’s behavior and contributions to the family,” she said.
“It’s so much easier to just continue to praise moms while they burn themselves out trying to overfulfill all their families’ needs.”
That’s not to say that, as a mother, you’re never going to worry. It’s irrational to assume that you’ll never have any anxiety over the care of your child.
But it shouldn’t be the mother’s sole responsibility to care for the wellbeing of the children 24/7 when there’s an active father involved in their lives.
“Anxiety stems from a lack of control–when you won’t be there to control how things are going,” she said.
“But also, you should still be able to let go of control knowing–knowing full and well–your partner has got this covered. But you can’t do that when you’ve tried that before, and you’ve seen the outcome, and it was less than desirable.”
Things need to change in society. Men need to change their attitudes in relationships where you both share the responsibility of having a child. It takes two to have a child, so only one parent shouldn’t be responsible for caring for them when both parents are in the picture.
“Moms have anxiety and burnout due to lack of trust. Stop telling moms that we’re superheroes. Stop telling moms that we’re down with life,” she said.
“Start taking some of the weight off of them consistently and accurately so that they no longer have to experience such high anxiety when it comes to leaving a task in their partner’s hands.”
Dads need to step up to the plate so that moms can step back and relax. Take responsibility for something that is just as much yours as it is theirs.
“Moms should be able to have time alone and be able to have peace of mind knowing that their kids are well taken care of by their own father–that they don’t have to leave detailed instructions to ensure their safety and wellbeing with their father,” she said. “That should honestly be a no-brainer.”
@abbyeckel Its exhausting having to be the one in control and always at the ready to be anticipatinf everyones needs. Its exhausting not having a partner you can trust enough to not have to leave detailed instructions for breakfast, school, and after. Moms arent superheroes. Weve been forced to be everything for everyone bc theres been no support or ability to trust anyone else to get the job done and done safely in our absence. Hold husbands and fathers to higher standards for their involvement instead of expecting everything from moms. #greenscreenvideo
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