Your Relationship Isn’t A Game, So You Need To Stop Keeping Score
If you’ve ever been in a relationship, did you ever find yourself ‘keeping score’ of all the good or bad things that either of you did?
For instance, did you ever get into an argument with them and only get angrier because you began recounting all of the other things they had ever done to make you mad?
Or, have you skipped out on doing anything nice for them because you counted up all the ways you had been nice to them before?
Keeping score in a relationship typically means that you’re a little too focused on making your relationship as equal as possible.
Am I saying that you should ignore any bad things that your partner does to you for the duration of your relationship? No! However, becoming obsessed with tracking how often you or your partner mess up or excel in your relationship can quickly turn toxic.
When you become a little too obsessed with keeping score in your relationship, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, but it is an indicator that you need to slow down and be more present.
This is because when you keep score or become what some relationship experts call a ‘scorekeeper,’ it becomes easier to feel taken for granted, victimized, unempowered, and vengeful.
In addition to the negative effects scorekeeping in a relationship can have on yourself, it can also negatively impact your relationship in a great way.
For instance, when you start keeping score and using certain things against your partner, it can make it harder for them to trust you, and as with many of us, trust is an essential part of keeping a relationship alive and healthy.
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It can also make it difficult for you to focus on or remember your partner’s good qualities. After all, if you’re keeping track of everything they’ve done wrong, those incidents will constantly swirl around in your head, clouding all the memories of their good qualities.
So, if you have found yourself beginning to become a scorekeeper or have a reputation for being a scorekeeper regarding relationships, here’s how to end the habit.
First, you want to make sure that your communication with your partner is top-notch. You’ll be less likely to keep score and constantly remind yourself of all the bad things they’ve done if you address those bad things immediately and tell your partner how you feel about them.
That way, instead of holding onto the past and using it against your partner, you can address your issues head-on and hopefully prevent them from occurring more often in the future.
If you have the habit of scorekeeping and like to keep track of all the service-related things you’ve done for your partner and the lack of service they’ve given you, it’s time to speak up and ask your partner for what you need.
Sometimes, it can be difficult for people to perform acts of service if they can’t tell what you really want from them. Therefore, it’s important to speak up. That way, if they actually ignore what you want, you can be sure that you asked them outright.
Finally, a good tip for stopping scorekeeping is to be ready to work with your partner. It’s no secret that relationships require work, and the moment you find yourself scorekeeping, it could indicate that you and your partner need to make some changes.
Perhaps you and your partner can sit down with a couples therapist or even promise to talk to each other about how you feel more often. If you don’t put the work in or if you’re not willing to put the work in your relationship, it will start to decline.
Again, being a scorekeeper doesn’t mean that you are crazy or bad at being in relationships. It’s very likely that you grew up under the influence of a scorekeeper or know a lot of scorekeepers in your inner circle.
However, remember that it’s a habit worth breaking, and you’ll have a little more peace of mind when you decide to stop.
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