He Messed Up By Marrying A Nice Woman He’s Not Attracted To
Imagine finding out that your spouse picked you because they thought you were nice, not because they were actually attracted to you.
I would feel betrayed, humiliated, and like I wasted my best years on a clown. I don’t think there’s any way to bounce back from something like this, and I would consider my marriage to be over.
This man is in his 40s, as is his wife, and you guessed it: he married her for all the wrong reasons.
“I thought by marrying a good woman, I had it made in the shade. She is a very good wife, and she loves me madly,” he explained.
“I consider myself a good husband in return, but I think I might be a [terrible] person. I’m at the point where I consider her a great companion and best friend, and it’s breaking my heart.”
“I didn’t have a ton of relationships before I met her, and the big ones I did have, I was left heartbroken. With her, I definitely focused on the quality of the person and personal compatibility and put attraction and [physical] interest to the side.”
He figured that on a long enough timeline, he would grow attracted to his wife, but that hasn’t happened in all their years spent together.
Now, he says they have a pretty picture-perfect life from the outside looking in. In the last decade, perhaps he’s argued with his wife on five separate occasions, and he’s largely to blame, since he’s a go-with-the-flow kind of guy. He is aware that’s a problem on his part, and he also avoids conflict.
He and his wife are intimate maybe one or two times a week, and he does everything in his power to prevent this from happening.
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He comes up with excuses, and he has to pretend to be into her because he hates it.
When his wife kisses him, he feels empty on the inside. He tries to lean in for a hug instead, but his wife always wants a kiss.
“I have no idea what to do. I can’t tell her any of this. I feel like there is a canyon in my heart. I don’t want to feel like this anymore, but I also can’t bear the thought of hurting her,” he continued.
“NONE of this is her fault! I should have been honest from the beginning. I should never have even continued in this relationship.”
“I have tried secretly going to therapy for a while, but all that boiled down to was, ‘If you aren’t into her now, you’re never going to be. You cannot force it. You need to pick your poison.’ As in, stay in it because we have a nice life, or break up my marriage in some way. Is this what people do? Do they stay because it’s safe? Because it’s financially easier?”
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