Absolutely no one is perfect, which is why when two people come together in a relationship, there’s a natural “find your footing” period.
During this time, you get to know each other’s routines, needs, and figure out how your lifestyles can complement one another. But just how long is too long?
This 30-year-old woman and her fiancé, who’s also 30, have been together for 12 whole years. They first met in school, share a 5-year-old daughter together, and finally got engaged about two years ago.
Nonetheless, her fiancé is a major workaholic who still struggles to balance his job with his personal responsibilities.
She thinks he’s a “kind man” deep down, but it’s no secret that, over the last few years, work has increasingly consumed her fiancé.
He stays up late working every night, wakes up at 3:00 a.m. to do more work, and passes out on the couch most evenings. So despite her asking for his help with their daughter countless times, he never shows up for them.
And parenting isn’t the only thing on her plate, either. She also works full-time, studies at night, and tries to exercise to manage her stress levels. Nonetheless, she’s the “default parent,” too.
“For every routine, every meltdown, every bedtime, every household task. He promises to help and then just… doesn’t,” she said.
And just the other night, she finally hit her breaking point. Her fiancé had agreed to put their daughter to bed, but around 9:30 p.m., she found him asleep and snoring.
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Meanwhile, he’d given their daughter chocolate before bed, so their daughter was still watching cartoons on his phone and was “wired” for another hour.
This forced her to take over bedtime yet again, and honestly, she had a breakdown. She started crying, and her fiancé asked if she wanted to talk, but she shut him down.
“I said no. I was too exhausted to speak, and he just went to sleep on the sofa again,” she recalled.
And later, when she went downstairs after finishing her studies, she realized her fiancé was still asleep. The worst part?
He hadn’t completed the dishes, a chore he promised to get done. At that moment, she decided she was finished, took off her engagement ring, and left it on the table.
The next morning, her fiancé sent her a long message in which he seemingly owned up to his actions. He claimed to “truly see” the damage he’d caused and admitted to being “emotionally shut-down” due to his own trauma. Moreover, her fiancé confessed to taking her for granted while in a dark place and wanted another chance.
In fact, he stated that he’d attend therapy, change his work schedule, and show up more. He wanted 30 days to “prove himself,” but quite frankly, she doesn’t know what to do.
On the one hand, she obviously wants to believe her fiancé, especially since he’s finally saying everything she wished he’d said months ago.
“But another part of me feels like it’s too late. I’ve been holding it all together alone for too long. I’m tired, hurt, and honestly unsure if I even want to try anymore,” she vented.
So now, she’s seeking advice from individuals who have been in similar situations. She wants to know whether people can truly change after being emotionally absent for years, as well as if anyone has ever given their spouse a “trial period.” Finally, she needs to nail down how to protect herself and her daughter if she decides to give her fiancé a second chance.
And until she determines how she wants to proceed, she isn’t wearing her engagement ring anymore. She hasn’t made any promises to her fiancé, either.
“I’m just trying to figure out if there’s anything left worth saving or if I’ve already outgrown this version of us,” she explained.
Does it sound like her fiancé might be ready to change once and for all? Or is it too little, too late? What do you think she should do?
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By Katharina Buczek
Katharina Buczek graduated from Stony Brook University with a degree in Journalism and a minor in Digital Arts. Specializing in... More about Katharina Buczek
