Weddings are already a minefield for a lot of people, but when you add complicated dynamics and a lack of basic accommodation into the mix, they can become genuinely unbearable. What would you do if you were invited to a family wedding, then told you can’t use the bathroom?
This man is trans, but you really can’t tell, as he easily passes for being so masculine. He’s been on testosterone for the last five years, and appeared manly even before taking that step in his transition process.
He doesn’t actively discuss being trans, and it’s not something he tells anyone, unless they’re romantically involved.
“My sister’s wedding is in 3 days and I RSVPed months ago, but today my conservative Christian mother (my family, sister included, is devoutly religious in that evangelical, born-again way, as was I until 6 years ago or so) informed me that I’m not allowed to use the men’s room at the wedding venue (the wedding and reception are at the same complex) because there are people (i.e. men) that knew me before I transitioned, specifically people from the church I was raised attending, that will be there and she feels it would be a violation of their ‘privacy,'” he explained.
There are certainly going to be guests at the wedding that have never met him before and aren’t aware that he’s trans, so it’s not like he can use the women’s bathroom instead of the men’s.
His mom did state that he could request an escort to use the bathroom located in the groomsmen’s and bridesmaids’ suites, but clarified that he would need to wait six hours before doing so.
Oh, and his family wants him to come before the wedding to set up and stay for the entire reception, so he’s going to be at the wedding for 8 to 10 hours, if not more.
Given the time commitment on his end and his offer to help, he’s upset that his mom isn’t trying harder to help him find somewhere to use the restroom.
Also, if he can’t actually use the bathroom his mom designated for him, he thinks his mom won’t come up with another option and will simply act like he’s out of luck and should hold it.
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“Note that my sister and I are not exactly close, as I find her lack of empathy and weak moral convictions very off-putting and cannot stand the way she mocks and demeans people [who] are different from her, among other things,” he continued.
“I wouldn’t bet on her caring much about this. I insinuated that I might revoke my attendance over this, and my mom accused me of abandoning my sister. Let me clarify that I am not in the wedding party and am not scheduled to speak at the reception or anything.”
“I understand that this is a huge milestone and potentially a once-in-a-lifetime event, but [am I the jerk] for making a fuss about this?”
I would ask his sister if she’s the one banning him from the bathroom or if it’s his mom. If it’s his sister, then no, he shouldn’t bother showing up for her wedding.
If someone told me I wouldn’t have a guaranteed place to go to the bathroom at a wedding, I wouldn’t attend! That’s just dehumanizing.
Also, if the people who knew him before he transitioned are just going to gawk at him like he’s a zoo animal, that’s enough of a reason to stay home as well.
What do you think?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
