If you found out that your spouse had a secret child that they kept hidden from you for years, how would you feel? Would you feel betrayed or sympathetic?
This 39-year-old man tied the knot with his 46-year-old wife, Jane, eight years ago, and they have two sons who are 10 and 7. He has a career that requires him to constantly travel, and he’s gone for four to seven days at once a month.
Most recently, he had to take a work trip for two whole weeks, and it was pretty overwhelming. He returned home a day ago, and when he got there, Jane was standing outside their house, waiting for him. Normally, Jane does this when she wants to speak to him but doesn’t want their kids to overhear.
“When I saw her, I knew something was up, but this time she was crying and telling me how much she loves me, which put my guard all the way up,” he explained.
“I immediately thought the [worst]. So I asked her if she had cheated. She promptly said NO, so I asked [what the issue was]. She told me why she has been almost NO CONTACT with her entire family, whom I’ve never met.”
He never interrogated Jane about this, since he doesn’t speak to his mom and dad due to all the trauma he and his brother suffered at their hands.
He and his brother were removed from his parents’ care when he was five and given to his uncle and aunt to raise. Due to his own family history, he didn’t feel the need to force Jane to share her own drama.
Anyway, Jane went on to say that when she was 14, she gave birth to a baby with a 17-year-old boy who was a friend of her family and her dad’s business partner’s son.
“Jane’s parents basically blamed her for seducing him, and to save their reputation, they hid the pregnancy from everyone and even pulled her from school to ensure no one would find out,” he added.
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Jane’s parents tried to make her terminate the pregnancy, but she didn’t since they raised her to think this was a terrible sin. Jane gave birth to the baby and went through a closed adoption.
Jane only held her little girl for two minutes before she was taken from her, and Jane never saw her again. Jane struggled with depression for years after giving birth.
Jane went away for college, and then her sister ended up marrying her baby daddy, and Jane says he took advantage of her. She got upset, and her family made her believe she was being overdramatic. Jane proceeded to cut them all out of her life, and that was it.
He questioned Jane about why she felt the need to tell him about this now, and she said her daughter, 32-year-old Marry, apparently tracked her down and sent her a message.
Marry didn’t realize she was adopted until she hit college. But since it was a closed adoption, Marry had a tough time getting information on Jane. Marry ended up doing an ancestry DNA test and located a half-sibling.
“Marry reached out to Jane’s family to connect, and what they told her was that Jane had DIED giving birth to her, and they didn’t want to meet Marry ’cause it would be too painful,” he continued.
“Jane’s sister has always sent her a happy birthday text, which Jane never replied to. Those stopped 2 years ago, Jane never questioned why until now. When Marry couldn’t find anything about Jane’s death, she hired a PI to find what she could.”
“Here’s where I need some help. I’m not the best person with emotions. I give great hugs, so my wife and kids tell me, but this is on a different level. Jane has been both furious and hurt and has been having crying fits. I forgot to mention that Marry reached out to Jane through email, which is the only form she wants to communicate by for now.”
This has dredged up a lot of emotions for Jane, and he wants her to go to therapy, but isn’t sure it’s the best moment to say that to her.
Jane has not yet replied to Marry’s email because she’s too busy flipping out over what she should say. Additionally, he and Jane aren’t positive how to share the news with their sons that they have an older sister.
He has pleaded with Jane to give him the information for her family members, as he thinks a lot has to be said to them.
He’s remarkably calm in light of everything he just learned about Jane. I do think they both should go to therapy, and he should waste no time saying that to Jane, even though she’s emotionally fragile.
Therapy can also help Jane work through how to respond to Marry’s email, and he can frame it that way to her to hopefully make her want to go sooner as opposed to later.
What advice do you have for him?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
