Want To Stop Feeling Stuck On Your Ex? Here Are Four Proactive Ways You Can Finally Start To Move On
The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer, Katharina Buczek.
Breakups are just inevitable, canon events. They simply must and do happen after you decide to enter the dating pool.
So, what’s also unavoidable is eventually trying to get over your ex– no matter how the relationship ended.
But unlike rom-coms, which often portray women drowning their sorrows in ice cream and wine before finding a new guy to whisk them off their feet, your moving-on process doesn’t have to be a sugar-coated struggle.
I’m not saying you won’t feel the need to mourn the loss of your once-happy relationship. You may have had to say goodbye to your best friend, your confidant, the person who has been by your side for possibly years. And if your heart really wants a good old-fashioned self-care day filled with sad tunes and sushi, so be it.
However, there will come a time when you are presented with a turning point. You have gotten through the initial shock and heartbreak, and you are now encountering an intersection.
You could move backward, continuing down memory lane, dwelling on the romance you used to have and occupying your mind with “what ifs.” Or, you could push yourself forward– getting yourself out of bed, finally cleaning your room, and setting your sights on what’s next.
There is absolutely no use in letting your past impact your future, especially if there is no changing it. So, I urge you to choose the latter.
And if you are feeling confused about how to actively pursue healing and moving on while still feeling in love with your ex, here are four crucial steps that will make all the difference.
pavelvozmischev – stock.adobe.com – illustrative purposes only, not the actual person
Go Into Ghost Mode
After 99 phone conversations to get “closure,” is the hundredth really going to change anything? Likewise, what’s the use of texting your ex “good luck” at their new job or “happy birthday” if you know it’s just going to make you miss them?
If a breakup is fresh, everything that needed to be said was already said, and you are actively trying to move on, then do yourself a favor: cut off all contact.
Obsessing over him is not going to do you any good. Instead, constantly contemplating whether to send your ex a text or stalk him on social media is actually hurting you– taking away precious time and energy that you could be focusing on yourself.
And for some people, even just having their ex’s number can be tempting. If need be, simply delete it. Then, if your ex reaches out, stay strong, tell them you need space, and actually stick to your word.
Trying to remain “friends” or even just checking in from time to time will only hurt your moving-on process. This is not to say you cannot be friends in the future. But, while you’re in the thick of it, cut things off cold turkey and allow yourself to move forward without him.
Whether or not he will one day re-enter your life will then become a “future you” consideration.
Stop Reminiscing While Wearing Rose-Colored Glasses
Sometimes, breakups leave partners feeling angry, resentful, and spiteful. But most of the time, they actually just leave us sad.
It’s important to understand where this sadness is actually coming from, though. Are you really sad about the loss of your relationship, which inevitably had its own fair share of flaws and downsides? Or are you sad about the loss of some sort of potential future that you imagined for yourself and your ex?
This is precisely why moving on is often such a challenging process. All of a sudden, we are mourning the end of not just our relationship but also our dreamt-up future.
And in the midst of this, it can become too easy to look back on your relationship with rose-colored glasses on– only seeing the things that went right, the things that made you happy, and how your ex made you feel during the “good times.”
But in order to snap yourself back into reality, you also have to reflect on all of the challenges. No relationship is ever perfect, and there were undoubtedly times when you both hurt each other or messed up.
So, focus on taking stock of these issues. Re-frame your relationship in your mind, and look at it through a practical lens. This will make understanding your breakup and, ultimately, processing it much more straightforward.
Forgiveness Can Help You Forget
Okay, not always. However, in a lot of situations, forgiveness can be the key that helps you forget about your heartache and finally move on.
Breakups can happen for a million different reasons. In your case, you may have gotten really hurt by your ex. He may not have even apologized.
Honestly, though, this does not even matter. Just decide to forgive him anyway.
The longer you harbor anger, upset, or resentment toward somebody, the larger your feelings will grow and the more space they will occupy in your mind.
You also have to remember that forgiving your ex is not an admission that what they did was okay. On the contrary, it is a sign of acceptance of what happened and an acknowledgment that you are ready to let go.
Forgiveness also becomes easier once you take time to think about the situation from your ex’s perspective.
While some things– like cheating, for instance– are never excusable, understanding why it happened can help you process and accept the situation more easily. Maybe your ex didn’t grow up with a solid example of a committed relationship. This doesn’t make his actions okay, but considering his own point of view can help give you the critical perspective that is needed to move on.
Take Away A Learning Lesson
Every single road bump, struggle, and obstacle in life can ultimately teach us a lesson.
It may sound cheesy (and it probably is), but that doesn’t make it any less true.
You can pull a lesson from virtually every issue you’ve ever confronted in your life. Your breakup is no different.
But, in order to grow from this painful experience, you’ll have to look at it with an open mind. Reflect on both your actions and your ex’s. What can you learn from your relationship? What did you learn about love in general? And what did the relationship reveal about your own personal tendencies?
Only you can take an honest look at what happened and answer these questions. The good news is that there is definitely at least one lesson– likely more– than can be drawn from your relationship. And once you pinpoint it, you will be able to move forward with a better understanding leading into your next relationship and your overall life.
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