7 Signs You’re Trying To Force Your Relationship To Work
Often, Relationships Are Difficult Because Something Is Truly Wrong
The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer. Sometimes, relationships aren’t hard because they’re “meant to be” and just require effort. They’re hard since, deep down, something simply isn’t clicking.
Maybe you’ve been together for a while, or perhaps it’s still new, and you’re already investing time and energy into trying to make it work.
Here Are 7 Signs You’re Trying To Force Your Relationship To Work
You like the idea of them, you’ve built routines together, and, on paper, everything should feel good. Yet, in the back of your mind, you know that something is off.
When a relationship is right, it’s not going to be effortless, but it also won’t feel like a project you’re constantly managing (or questioning). If you’ve found yourself wondering whether you’re building something real, here are seven signs you could just be forcing the connection.
1. The Spark Disappears Behind Closed Doors
Public displays of affection aren’t the only (or even the most important) ways to measure chemistry. What really matters is how you and your partner connect when no one else is watching.
Does your relationship look loving from the outside but feel distant behind closed doors? That’s a red flag that it could be more about appearances than actual love.
Maybe you or your partner make sure to post together on social media or kiss in front of friends, but in private, that same affection feels forced or disappears altogether. If it only shows up in performative circumstances, you might be holding onto a relationship that doesn’t reflect the reality of how you feel when it’s only the two of you.
2. You Aren’t Genuinely Interested In Your Partner’s Passions Or Feelings
You don’t have to love everything your partner does to have a healthy relationship, but you should at least care about the things that get them excited.
Do you often zone out when they talk about their hobbies or the details of their day, simply because it just doesn’t interest you? Pay attention to that disconnect.
You don’t have to share the same interests to show genuine curiosity in your partner’s life. Rather, it’s about caring enough to listen and learn. Likewise, if you’re frequently downplaying your own excitement or avoiding certain conversation topics because you think your partner won’t care, that’s also a bad sign.
A lack of enthusiasm about each other’s lives suggests you don’t really share chemistry, no matter how much you want to.
3. You Secretly Wish Parts Of Your Partner Would Change
Every single person has their quirks. However, instead of accepting your partner fully, you might secretly hope that they’ll grow out of certain habits, switch their mindset, or even change key parts of who they are.
Perhaps you think to yourself, “They’d be perfect if they just…” or “Life will be easier once they…” These thoughts might seem harmless, too, but they usually mean you’re attached to a potential version of your partner, not who they truly are today.
Yes, it’s natural for couples to grow and evolve as they date, but if you feel like you’re waiting for your partner to change before you can feel 100% happy or attracted to them, you’re likely forcing a dynamic that doesn’t align.
4. You Two Have Trouble Bouncing Back From Arguments
All relationships have disagreements, so it’s how you handle them that says the most. If every argument seems to turn into the blame game, linger for days, or threaten your whole relationship, there may be something deeper at play.
Healthy couples learn how to fight fair and recover in ways that build trust, not never-ending tension. They’re able to apologize, talk things out, and actively evolve from the experience.
You, on the other hand, might find yourself walking on eggshells all the time or avoiding difficult conversations since resolution seems impossible. This will never actually fix what’s broken, and the inability to reconcile after conflict often indicates partners have different communication styles, needs, and/or long-term compatibility.
5. Your Chemistry Feels Off
We’ve all gotten butterflies on a first date or felt physically attracted to someone, but that’s not true chemistry. Instead, it’s about connecting with a person on a deep level.
When the chemistry is really there, you’ll feel like you and your partner just “get” each other. Conversations can flow easily, and silence is equally as comfortable. Getting close also feels very natural.
So, if you’re wondering whether the spark is there, that’s probably your answer. Of course, you could respect your partner, care about them, and enjoy their company, but the energy between you two can still feel “off.”
Sadly, chemistry isn’t something you can create through willpower or effort; it’s either there or it’s not. And when it doesn’t exist, trying to fake it can feel exhausting.
6. You And Your Partner Don’t Share The Same Goals
Loving someone is one thing, but building a future with them is an entirely different story. It’s extremely difficult to create a long-lasting relationship when you and your partner have fundamentally different visions of the future.
You may want to travel while they plan to settle down, or you could see yourself raising a family, and your partner doesn’t believe in marriage. It might be tempting to assume that one or both of you will eventually change your mind, but waiting around for that (unlikely) outcome will just waste your time and energy.
7. You Just Like The Idea Of A Relationship
Finally, it’s easy to fall in love with the idea of love, especially when you’re lonely or surrounded by friends in relationships. But consider this: if you removed the “partner” title and the comfortable routines you’ve fallen into, would you still want this person in your life, even if romance wasn’t on the table?
If your answer isn’t a confident yes, then you could be more infatuated with the idea of being in a relationship than with your actual partner.
Real love isn’t about filling a void. It’s about choosing the person you’re with over and over again, no matter how inconvenient or imperfect it may be. So, when that choice feels forced, it indicates your relationship is, too.
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