She Called Off Her Engagement After Her Fiancé Elected To Have Limb Lengthening Surgery And Mentally Spiraled Out Of Control
Leaving wasn’t easy; it never is when love is tangled up with guilt, obligation, and the hope that maybe things will get better.
She gave him everything, but between the mood swings, the emotional landmines, and a family dynamic that constantly pulled her under, she lost herself trying to keep him afloat.
Now that she’s finally walked away, she’s being haunted by the question that so often follows women who choose themselves: Was it abandonment, or was it survival?
Last week, this woman in her early 30s called off her engagement, and ever since, she’s been overwhelmed with grief and guilt.
She and her now ex-fiancé had a rapid romance, and they got engaged after a bit more than a year of dating. But six months later, it all came undone.
“He has schizoaffective disorder and wasn’t consistently taking his meds. He’d swing from being sweet and sensitive to paranoid, guilt-tripping, or lashing out,” she explained.
“His mother was also constantly involved in our relationship- financially dependent on him, emotionally volatile, and constantly calling or inserting herself in our issues. At times, it felt like she was the third person in our relationship.”
As for her ex-fiancé’s sister, she issued a warning that he had a known history of violence against women, and it was only a matter of time before he did something to her.
In November, while teasing her ex-fiancé, he actually raised his fist up, and it scared her. He didn’t do anything more than that, but it was enough for her to nearly break up with him.
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However, she remained in the relationship, and several months later, while they went on a cruise, he proposed. Upon returning home and sharing the news with her mom and dad, they were hesitant that this would truly be happily ever after for her, considering she shared the November incident with them.
Additionally, her ex-fiancé didn’t reach out to talk to her parents before popping the question, which they found disrespectful.
“He got angry and accused me of ‘exposing him to negative people.’ Later on, he decided to get elective limb-lengthening surgery,” she added.
“I supported him, even though I was deeply worried it was more about insecurity than necessity. During recovery, I became his full-time caretaker- cooking, cleaning, bathing, pushing him in a wheelchair.”
“One time he texted me I need you, and I did not text you I need you too because I did not want our relationship to be based on co-dependency. But then he lashed out at me, saying he did not want to be with a woman who does not need him. I was completely drained. By June, I told him I was becoming resentful. When I shared my feelings, he called me a ‘Jezebelle.'”
Not long after that, he re-friended his ex-girlfriend on social media: the same one who reacted with the laughing emoji when she spotted their engagement picture online.
She questioned him about that choice, and he maintained that his ex is still close to his mom and he felt he had to keep tabs on her.
Finally, he blocked the girl, but she felt weird about the whole thing. They attempted therapy together in an effort to fix their relationship, but that went nowhere.
They finished up the final session, and her ex-fiancé went on a tirade about how terrible her family was while calling her an ingrate whose mom failed to raise her to have respect for men.
That was it; she was done. Her ex-fiancé’s parents divorced due to infidelity and other issues, while her mom and dad have been happily married for 35 years.
“I blocked him and dropped off the ring at his house the next day. When I went to do that, his mother opened the door, and her face was bruised,” she continued.
“She claimed it was from a fall, but the moment chilled me. I realized how dysfunctional the entire situation was. I’m now starting therapy and trying to move on. But I still feel conflicted- he’s mentally ill, and I know he was struggling. But I was hurting too. I loved him, but staying meant abandoning myself.”
“[Am I the jerk] for leaving someone who’s mentally ill during an invasive elective surgery and had a difficult family situation? Or was it self-preservation?”
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