She’s Afraid Her Marriage Is Over Because She Doesn’t Want To Have A Fifth Child With Her Husband
There are some disagreements in marriage you can compromise on: what city to live in, how to decorate the house, and even where to vacation.
But when the issue is children, there isn’t a middle ground. One partner either becomes a parent again or they don’t.
For this 39-year-old woman, saying no to a fifth baby wasn’t a whim; it was about her health, her age, and the promise she and her husband already made to stop at four.
Now, his silent treatment and threats to check out of the marriage have left her terrified that her refusal means the end of their family as she knows it.
For the last fifteen years, she’s been married to her husband, who is the same age as her, and they have four kids: two sons and two daughters.
She genuinely believed that she had found her happily ever after. A year ago, her husband brought up having a fifth child with her.
Her latest pregnancy was extremely difficult, so considering that plus her age, she hasn’t been interested in having another child.
Also, she and her husband previously agreed on stopping after they had three or four kids, which they are already at.
She thinks they already have plenty of kids to deal with, so she was honest with her husband about not wanting to keep going.
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“He has spent the last year trying to convince me. Coming up with plans and bribes and arguments about why this is a good idea,” she explained.
“It really meant a lot to him; it was clear he wanted this very badly. I promised him I’d seriously consider it, but that I really didn’t want this.”
“Two nights ago, he was doing it again, and I snapped and told him I didn’t want to talk about it anymore, that it was really stressful that all he ever wanted to talk about was a new baby. We went to sleep, and then the next day he stopped talking to me.”
Her husband spent the following day in the basement alone, refusing to speak to her. When she tucked their kids into bed, she attempted to apologize to her husband for being so short with him.
He told her that he’s no longer discussing the topic and that he’s completely done with her.
After that, he walked out of the house and slept in the basement that evening. She has never before seen her husband so defeated and furious.
Because they’re clearly not on the same page about having more kids, she’s afraid this means her marriage is essentially over.
“I’m terrified that this is the rest of my life; a silent, resentful presence in the house that ignores me and the kids,” she said.
“I feel like a terrible mother and wife for not wanting another kid, but I don’t want to have one as the result of a threat or to ‘save’ our relationship.”
“He scares me when he’s like this; he holds grudges forever. We are Catholic, and I know he wouldn’t ask for a divorce, and I don’t want one, but I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life living with someone who hates and resents me.”
She’s wondering how on earth she can fix her marriage.
I don’t think that she’s a bad wife or mom for holding firm; she’s protecting her body, her sanity, and the kids they already have.
What’s more damaging than saying no to another baby is raising four children in a house where resentment, cold shoulders, and grudges take the place of love. Her husband needs to decide if his dream of another child is worth destroying the family he already has.
What advice do you have for her?
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