He Cheated On His Wife, And Now She’s Asking Him To Erase His Late First Wife Over It
What if you sadly lost your first spouse and eventually tied the knot again, but then your second spouse wanted you to erase the memory of your first marriage? Is that a reasonable request, or should you be allowed to hold space and love for someone you once cared about?
That’s the precarious situation this man found himself in, and apparently, it pushed him to cheat on his current wife.
For some background, their relationship was going through a rough patch when he began to be unfaithful. He realizes that their struggles aren’t an excuse for his infidelity.
Regardless, though, both he and his wife definitely lost respect for each other and their marriage during that time.
“Unfortunately, instead of working through it the proper way, I channeled my pain and emotional distance into something that only made everything worse,” he recalled.
He now takes 100% accountability for his actions. His affair, which was mostly emotional, went on for three months, and eventually, things between him and his affair partner started to escalate. They got physical, and while they didn’t sleep together, he knew their affair was going in that direction.
“That realization made me feel worse about myself, and I ended the affair and confessed everything to my wife,” he said.
Ever since the truth came out, he and his wife have been dealing with the aftermath of his cheating. He’s also been completely willing to do whatever it takes to fix their marriage, such as answering his wife’s questions, having “hard conversations,” and even changing jobs if she wants him to.
Overall, he’s committed to rebuilding their relationship, and even though he knows that their marriage may not survive, he still wants to try.
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But despite his dedication to making amends with his wife, there’s another big issue at play: his grief regarding his late wife, and his current wife’s perspective on it.
Prior to his current marriage, his first wife died, and he admits that the grief never fully went away. Instead, it “softened” as time went on, and he proceeded to build a new, full life with his current wife, to whom he’s been married for five years now.
“But even during those years, I always kept a respectful space in my heart and life for my late wife. I visited her grave now and then. I kept a couple of her photos in shared spaces like the living room, never in our bedroom,” he explained.
“I didn’t bring her up often, but I never erased her, either.”
And after a while, his current wife started to take issue with that. She suddenly began consulting friends and online communities, asking if it was possible to “grow” in a marriage in which she had to “share” emotional space with his late wife. She supposedly even felt that she was being unfair to herself by “tolerating” the space he held in his heart for his late wife.
Next, things came to a head when his wife basically told him that he needed to stop and move on. She wanted him to quit visiting his late wife’s grave, holding onto her photos, and saying her name. Plus, she told him to stop referring to his late wife as his “wife” or acknowledging his late wife if someone else brought her up in conversation.
“Essentially, she wanted me to erase her from existence. That was incredibly painful for me, and it contributed to the emotional disconnect between us before the affair happened,” he noted.
And now that he’s cheated and confessed his affair to his wife, she’s using his infidelity as a bargaining chip to finally get what she wants. More specifically, she thinks he needs to leave his late wife in the past once and for all.
Yet, in his mind, he knows that his late wife is not a threat to his current marriage because, mainly, she’s no longer alive. It’s not like he’s being tempted by two different women.
“I’m simply trying to live in a world where I can hold space for love that ended through tragedy while still giving my all to the love I’m in now,” he vented.
If his wife had asked him to cut off a flirty friend or even an ex, he’d understand. However, he’s extremely hurt that she’s asking him to forget about his late wife, whom he truly loved, and act as if she never existed in his life.
He’s especially upset that his wife feels her request is justified now, too, following his infidelity. Since he betrayed her trust, she believes she was never enough for him, and the fact that he doesn’t want to let go of his late wife has them stuck in a toxic cycle, which confirms that belief in his wife’s mind.
Thankfully, they have been going to marriage counseling, and their therapist has been trying to get them to separate their two main issues: his cheating and his grief over his wife. The therapist even gave his wife some strategies and tools to work on that. Nonetheless, she either can’t or won’t untangle the two.
“Every time she tries, she circles back to the same statements about her never being the center of my heart, and now how she never will be,” he revealed.
Their therapist has made it crystal clear that, in order for their marriage to recover, his wife has to invest some emotional effort as well. He can’t do all the work alone.
But as it stands, his wife doesn’t seem ready, and their relationship has hit a wall. This has left him wondering how to move forward and whether his wife’s desire for him to erase his late wife from his life is justified after his adultery.
Would you feel the same way if you were in his wife’s shoes? At the same time, can you understand why he cannot fully let go of his late wife? What advice would you give him?
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