He Just Found Out That His Wife Of 11 Years Cheated On Him Before They Got Married, So Now He Wants To Divorce Her
This 35-year-old man and his wife have been married for 11 years and together for 14 years. They have a wonderful 7-year-old daughter, and until last year, their marriage was going smoothly. Unfortunately, he found out last year that before they were married, his wife had an affair.
One of his wife’s friends told him this information due to her newfound religious beliefs, and he asked his wife about what he’d heard. She was stunned that her friend told him about the affair, and she repeatedly told him she was sorry.
During the conversation, she tried to brush aside the cheating, claiming that it didn’t matter anymore because their marriage had been stable, and they had a child now.
According to his wife, he should move on, explaining that when she cheated (four months into their relationship), she was a dumb girl who’d just graduated from college. He tried to accept her explanation, rationalizing that she cheated 14 years ago and they were content with their marriage.
“I decided to forgive her and continue our usual life. Reality was not that great. My mental health took a hit. I realized it’s not something that happened 14 years ago for me,” he said.
From his perspective, it was as if the affair just happened because he had only just found out about it. He felt insecure and couldn’t sleep with his wife. Eventually, he felt grossed out by her because of her affair and decided to take a DNA test behind her back to confirm he was their daughter’s father (he was).
To cope, he began going to therapy regularly. He wanted to learn how to adjust and accept the fact that he’s a different person now that he knows his wife was unfaithful when they first started dating. He was open with his wife about his emotions, and he finally persuaded her to come to couples therapy with him.
Even though he tried to make it work, he chose to file for divorce. He was understandably upset, not just because of his wife’s affair but because she kept it a secret for their entire marriage. It crushed him that the only reason he found out was through one of his wife’s friends, not his wife directly.
“She apologized but dismissed the fact by saying it’s not important anymore. Young me was robbed of having a choice. Cheating was (and still is) one of my biggest dealbreakers,” he explained.
pololia – stock.adobe.com – illustrative purposes only, not the actual person
He believed that if he found out about his wife’s affair right after it happened, he would have dumped her. At the same time, he’s content with his life and grateful for the daughter he shares with his wife. His daughter is the bright spot, motivating him to continue living and thriving.
However, it’s tough to accept that he didn’t have all the information he needed early in his relationship with his wife.
Sadly, one-on-one and couples therapy didn’t help them resolve their issues. He hasn’t been able to get back to the way he felt about his wife before he learned about her affair.
“It also started affecting our family life, which could affect our daughter. I think our daughter would be better off having us as co-parents instead of living in a broken family environment,” he shared.
In his opinion, it wouldn’t be healthy for his daughter to see him and his wife constantly fighting. He and his wife still sleep together, but his heart isn’t in it.
Now, he isn’t interested in any physical affection. Over the last month, he met with a lawyer to draft divorce papers, and they’re nearly finalized.
Last week, he discussed with his wife what he’s been thinking lately, explaining that he was filing for divorce. He would ask for 50/50 custody of their daughter and split their mutual assets as fairly as they could.
Afterward, his wife was so overwhelmed that she had a panic attack. He took her to the emergency room, and they stayed there overnight.
Since then, his wife has pleaded for him to change his mind and not “throw away 14 years.” He wished he could stay married to his wife, but he knew that if he did, they would essentially be roommates, and their daughter would pick up on the toxicity in their relationship.
What advice would you give him?
You can read the original post on Reddit here.
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