When you’re with someone for years, you expect the hard work to make you stronger as a couple. But for this man, every step forward seems to be meaningless.
He’s sacrificed, adjusted, and grown for the woman he loves, but she keeps circling back to one truth: she doesn’t want love to mean just one person. Now he’s left wondering how you save a relationship when the very definition of love is up for debate.
This 29-year-old guy has been dating his 28-year-old girlfriend for the last five years, and they don’t have a ton of experience in the romance department.
What I mean by that is he only had one serious relationship prior to his girlfriend, while his girlfriend didn’t have one at all before she met him, and he happens to be the first person she ever slept with.
“We’ve had our fair share of problems throughout the years, mostly because [of] habits or behaviors of mine that bothered her. But I have managed to learn and improve and push through, and I have done that because I love her and see a long-term future with her,” he explained.
“On her side, she is an incredibly curious person; in fact, the most curious person that I’ve ever met. From simple things, such as ordering a new thing every time she goes to a restaurant, to big things like wanting to move to a different city every few years (this one is sort of relevant to this problem).”
“A year and a half ago, she went to a retreat with friends, it’s like a big community she was part of during college, they spent 3 days in the mountains doing all sorts of activities. It honestly sounded super fun. I had very little contact with her during the event, but we synced afterwards.”
His girlfriend gushed about all of the incredible people she encountered on her trip and all of the exciting activities she participated in.
But then his girlfriend brought up how she was interested in having an open relationship, since everyone on the retreat was talking about it.
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He found this extremely disturbing, since he can only love one woman, not many. Also, he’s invested the last few years into his girlfriend, and he’s been dedicated to growing alongside her.
His girlfriend hurt his feelings in wanting to test the waters, but he did get that she was curious, and that was her motive behind wanting to ditch monogamy.
“My overly negative reaction made her say, ‘Let’s just talk about it later.’ But then she never brought it up again for the next year and a half. I felt the topic was out and we were going on a good track again,” he added.
“Fast forward to today, she just came back from Burning Man (which I couldn’t go to because of work), and she said she feels like a new person. Again, she mentioned she attended a lecture on open relationships, and she was deeply inspired by it.”
“She said she feels like she can love multiple people and that bringing new and fresh perspectives into her life can expand her own self-understanding. As she was telling me all of this, I tried to keep an open mind, but I was also trying not to react negatively like last time.”
It’s dawned on him that his girlfriend has clearly spent more than a year with the desire to see other people and experiment in the romance department.
He’s still not happy about this, as he’s sacrificed a lot for his girlfriend, and letting her love different guys means that he hasn’t meant anything to her. He’s not special, and he’s been working on himself for what?
He’s positive his girlfriend is his soulmate, and he never would have put the energy into changing himself to fit their relationship if he doubted that.
But anyway, he’s left wondering what he can do to save his relationship since he and his girlfriend are on different pages.
He keeps asking how to save this relationship, but maybe the real question is why he’s the only one trying. She’s already telling him that she’s not fully in it, so I think it’s time for him to move on.
How can you honestly stay in a relationship with someone who wants more than what you alone can provide? I don’t see a way to make this work when he’s into monogamy and she wants to sleep around.
What advice do you have for him?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
