People often say spouses don’t owe each other access to every detail of their inner lives. That’s true, to an extent, but is it acceptable for spouses to keep big secrets from one another?
Three years ago, this 31-year-old woman married her 33-year-old husband, and they’ve been together for nine years in total.
They have historically communicated easily about tough topics such as money and health. Her husband has experienced anxiety from time to time, but during the summer, his personality began to change in a way she couldn’t put a finger on.
“He got weirdly snappy over tiny things (like how I loaded the dishwasher), then two hours later, he’d be super flat and quiet. He stopped wanting to see friends, stopped going to the gym, and started taking long showers at odd times,” she explained.
“The big one: he started forgetting conversations we literally had the night before, but only when it was about plans or responsibilities. I tried the gentle approach. ‘Are you ok? Are you stressed?’ He kept saying I was imagining it and that work was just a lot.”
She then discovered a little amber-colored pull bottle with the label halfway peeled off, hidden behind a bunch of receipts in a desk drawer. She didn’t open up the bottle, but she did ask her husband about it.
When she did, her husband appeared panicked before insisting the pills were to help his mood, before attempting to dismiss their chat.
She questioned her husband about why he hadn’t mentioned the pills to her, and he responded that he was trying to avoid her lecturing him.
A day later, the bottle disappeared, and she once more asked her husband about what the pills were for. She clarified that she wasn’t trying to be judgmental if he truly required medication, but she’s alarmed by his personality changing.
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“I asked if he could show me the prescription info or the pharmacy label, just so I know it’s legit and not some random pills. He immediately blew up,” she added.
“He said I’m treating him like a criminal, that I’m controlling, and that asking to see it is ‘blackmail’ because I told him I’m not comfortable moving forward with a big decision we’ve been discussing (refinancing our apartment) if he won’t be honest about what he’s taking.”
“I didn’t say ‘show me, or else,’ I said I need to feel safe and in the loop before we tie ourselves to a bigger loan. He accused me of using money to control him and said if I keep pushing, he’ll tell my family I’m emotionally abusive.”
“That hit so low it made me feel sick. I told him fine, I won’t mention the pills again, but I also won’t sign anything financial until we can have an adult conversation or talk to a doctor together. Now he’s sleeping on the couch and telling friends I’m ‘monitoring his meds’ like some prison guard.”
She feels terrible and is worried she pushed this too far, but at the same time, her husband concealed it from her, and now he’s treating her like she’s insane for wanting more information.
I think that if these pills were legitimately prescribed to him by a doctor, he wouldn’t have been hiding them at all. He also shouldn’t have freaked out on her if they were something he was supposed to have.
I’m willing to bet he’s taking pills he shouldn’t have in his possession, and he very well could be addicted.
Do you think she’s wrong for not following through with the refinancing and wanting proof of a prescription?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
