When this 32-year-old woman began seeing a homicide detective nearly four years ago, all of her friends disapproved and told her not to date a cop. Why? Well, they claimed all police officers were “abusive” and that it wasn’t “worth it.”
“But none of them have ever actually dated a cop, so I found their opinions more annoying than anything else. I just felt like they were basing their judgment on a stereotype,” she recalled.
So, she stayed with him, and they ultimately got engaged. Now that they’re further along in their relationship, though, there are certain things her 37-year-old fiancé does that have really started to bother her. More specifically, she feels as if he’s constantly treating her like a “suspect” instead of a partner.
One of the main red flags she’s known about for a while is the fact that her fiancé actually records their arguments. Initially, he claimed it was to make sure they remembered the facts of their disagreements correctly and learned to communicate better. And despite finding the idea stupid and petty, she believed her fiancé had good intentions.
However, back then, she also asked if he saved the recordings, and her fiancé swore he deleted them as soon as their fights were over. Spoiler alert: that was a lie.
“I’ve since found a folder on his computer labeled with dates and times, and they’re recordings of arguments or other conversations we’ve had going back over a year!” she revealed.
Something else that’s strange? Her fiancé picks up on every little change in her behavior, and rather than inquiring out of concern, like a typical partner, he kind of interrogates her. Plus, he’s supposedly conducted background checks on some of her coworkers and friends.
Her fiancé is secretive with his phone, too. It will sometimes buzz, and he leaves for hours without providing her any kind of explanation aside from saying he’s taking care of “work stuff.”
“And he makes cryptic comments like, ‘You know I only trust what I can verify,’ or, ‘I like to know everything that might matter’ when it comes to things between us… not strictly talking about work,” she added.
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“Then, he laughs it off, but the words stick. It’s hard to tell when he’s joking and when he’s serious.”
So even though she genuinely loves her fiancé, she truly feels treated like a “suspect.” It’s also concerning that he can’t seem to trust anyone in his life, including her, and views every disagreement as if it could turn into “evidence.”
More recently, they were even talking about the possibility of having children one day, and her fiancé revealed how he plans to parent in the future. Apparently, he wants to put “trackers” on their kids at all times, do background checks on every adult (like teachers and friends’ parents) their children interact with, and never plans to let their kids have sleepovers.
To her, this conversation seemed to prove her fiancé’s paranoia was “escalating.” Still, she has no clue how to confront him and have a conducive discussion without just getting recorded again.
“I honestly don’t know how to bring this up to him. I’ve considered telling him he needs therapy because he cannot continue to live life so suspicious and paranoid about everything and everyone. I’m pretty sure he’ll refuse that,” she vented.
Does it sound like her fiancé has any plans to change? Would you be able to start a life with someone who constantly assumes the worst? What advice would you give her?
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By Katharina Buczek
Katharina Buczek graduated from Stony Brook University with a degree in Journalism and a minor in Digital Arts. Specializing in... More about Katharina Buczek
