How can you look at your parents the same way after realizing their desire for privacy cost you three pregnancies and a lifetime of heartbreak?
This woman and her wife have been spending money on fertility treatments, namely IUI, in order to try to fulfill their dreams of becoming moms.
They agreed that she would be the one to get pregnant, and they have been over the moon about kicking off their fertility journey.
“Everything felt hopeful in the beginning, and I got pregnant pretty easily. But I miscarried. It was devastating, although everyone kept telling me that it was common, especially the first time,” she explained.
They tried a second time, she got pregnant, and she miscarried once more. They kept going, and she experienced three miscarriages in a row.
For two of her three pregnancies, she opted for gender testing prior to losing her babies and learned they both were male. Her doctor suggested that she see a genetic counselor in an effort to try to get to the bottom of what was happening.
She truly believed that the specialist would not find a thing, but oh boy, the unexpected news she received from them blindsided her.
“I was wrong because, to my surprise, I learned that I’m a carrier of a rare genetic disorder that mainly affects boys. The condition is severe and often doesn’t end well; it causes death during pregnancy or early infancy,” she said.
“Women can be carriers who never show symptoms. I guess I’m part of that club now. I was sitting in the office just feeling numb, wondering how that was the first time I heard about it.”
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The counselor questioned her about whether she had a history in her family that pointed to the odd findings, and it dawned on her that yes, there was one sign.
She had an older brother who passed away prior to her being born, and he was a baby at the time. She knows about her brother, but her parents haven’t been forthcoming with any details about him.
Her parents had only mentioned that her brother suffered from a medical problem, and they didn’t want to discuss it further. All along, she thought her brother had been a victim of SIDS.
She went to her mom and dad’s house and confronted them. They were evasive to start, but she had the results of her test in her hand.
She blurted out that she was aware of some kind of genetic issue in their family and asked point-blank if her brother had that condition.
“They finally admitted it, that they knew all along. My brother did die from the same disorder, and there was a chance I was a carrier, but they never informed me,” she added.
“My mom started crying, and my dad said they were going to let me know, but didn’t think it would affect me. They assumed I wouldn’t have biological kids because I’m gay.”
“Meanwhile, I’ve gone through multiple pregnancies and subsequent losses without having any clue this was a possibility. This one piece of info could have spared me so much pain, as we could’ve gone straight to IVF with genetic testing.”
She would not have had to suffer the loss of three babies in order to learn all of this. If her parents hadn’t been so selfish and told her, it would have saved her a world of hurt.
It’s not just that she miscarried three times that she finds so upsetting; it’s also because her parents hid away medical history that directly impacts her future and her body.
Her hopes of being a mom have gone away. She continues to think about the pregnancies she experienced and how there was a definitive pattern to her losses, and her parents knew about everything and still chose to remain silent.
Since confronting her mom and dad, she has not said a word to them. She’s not sure if they can fix their relationship after this, or if she has a desire to do that.
If she can manage to have kids of her own, she doesn’t see how her parents deserve to be included in their lives, given the enormously hideous secret they kept from her.
I’m with her on this one; her parents are the worst for failing to tell her about the genetic condition. They wasted her money and her time.
She should be furious and cut them out of her life. Maybe her wife could carry the baby instead, and they could have better luck on their pregnancy journey. My heart breaks for her and the little ones she lost.
What advice do you have for her?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
