If you’re quietly questioning your marriage, it’s probably not the right time to add a baby to it. A child doesn’t fix an imbalance in a relationship; instead, it magnifies it until you can’t ignore the cracks anymore.
He’s considering leaving his wife, even though they are already in the middle of IVF and trying to welcome a baby into their family.
So here’s the uncomfortable question: if you’re already wondering whether you should walk away, is it fair to bring a child into that uncertainty?
This 37-year-old man and his 35-year-old wife currently live in the Northern Midwest, and they do not have kids yet. He’s been married to his wife for the last five years, and they have a dog and a cat that his wife brought into their marriage.
He has a remote job, while his wife stays at home in their little house, which is 800 square feet with one bathroom and two bedrooms.
His wife has been staying at home for close to two years now, and they have just started trying IVF so they can have a baby.
“I find myself resenting her since I feel like she cleans about 15% of the time and cooks less than 50% of the time. Many times I find myself cooking and cleaning after I log off of work,” he explained.
“I understand that she has mental health issues, but she does not go in for treatment. Part of me thinks about leaving because I feel like I need someone [who] can contribute to our life instead of catching up on shows or reading romantasy most days.”
“I feel bad for thinking this way, but it was previously understood that both of us needed to work before we got married (note, I’ve left my family and friends behind for her. About 3k miles away).”
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He wishes his wife would contribute more to their household chores, and he has addressed this with her so many times, but she only gets mad at him and doesn’t help.
This has led to a bad cycle that makes him feel terrible for expecting his wife to be more of an equal partner in their responsibilities.
He’s left wondering if he’s wrong for feeling the way that he does or for wanting to leave his wife. He’s doubting his version of reality and is afraid that maybe he’s being entitled.
This is definitely the wrong time to be undergoing IVF. He really needs to hit pause here and figure out if he does want to leave his wife.
Because if he’s really checked out of their marriage, the worst thing to do is bring a baby into their family. If he does still file for divorce, he’s still going to be tied to his wife through that child.
Adding to all of that, since his wife has unresolved mental health problems, that’s another thing that should be addressed before having a baby.
What advice do you have for him? If you were in his position, what would your next step be: counseling, an ultimatum, a separation, or pushing forward and hoping a baby shifts the dynamic?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
