If you were engaged to someone who largely left you alone to deal with your baby and their kid, then wrote in their calendar that they need two days off from childcare responsibilities, how would you feel?
This 30-year-old woman has a 31-year-old fiancé, and they have a daughter together who is almost a year old. Her fiancé also has a 10-year-old daughter from a previous relationship, and they have her alternating weeks, so she’s not always around.
Her fiancé has a full-time job, and she works two days a week. Her fiancé will only watch their baby one day a week, and then for two hours a day when he’s home from work.
Right after he does return home, he takes two hours to himself, and then they switch. But she is so busy with the baby on a daily basis that this alone time is spent on household chores.
“Once my time is up, I have her the rest of the day and night. Most of his time seems to go to playing video games. So today he said he made a calendar and wants me to look at it. Basically it’s like this,” she explained.
“Monday: we do the split; he gets 2 hours to himself when he gets home from work. Then I get 2 hours, and then I take [the] baby back the rest of the day and night.”
“Tuesday: he works, comes home, and has ‘no kids’ the rest of the day and night. Wednesday: I work, come home, and have ‘no kids’ the rest of the day but have baby all night starting at bedtime.”
“Thursday: he works, comes home. ‘No kids.’ Friday: he works, comes home. 2 hours for him. 2 hours for me. I take [the] baby for the rest of the day and night.”
On Saturday, her fiancé gets up at 11 and showers. Meanwhile, she’s already been dealing with the baby and their six dogs alone. They spend the day at home, and the baby ends up being her responsibility. Sometimes they go grocery shopping, but they don’t spend time together as a family, which is what Saturdays are meant for.
On Sunday she works, and her fiancé gets a two-hour break from the baby, then cares for her until she has to go to sleep. So, this schedule means her fiancé literally wrote on two days of the week that he won’t deal with the kids at all.
Her fiancé says he needs more time to work on his business, which is either the third or fourth one that he’s launched, and the ones that came before that were a bust.
She gets that being a mom is a nonstop job, and when she has both of the kids, her stepdaughter largely does her own thing, but she does make her food.
Her fiancé will have his daughter help out with the baby so he can do what he wants to when it’s time for him to watch the baby. The TV is constantly on, and she doesn’t like her baby watching it nonstop.
Her fiancé is a space cadet and will forget to feed the baby, so she has to do it. Or, he will fail to pay attention to the baby, then shouts at her for micromanaging him.
So the time she is supposed to have without the kids never feels like a break. She appreciates that her fiancé works full-time, but he largely doesn’t give her that two-hour break from the kids she’s supposed to have because he comes home late, or can’t be trusted, or doesn’t pitch in.
“I’m just exhausted, I guess, and I don’t know if it’s really fair that he can put ‘no kids’ on his calendar like it’s a choice to be free from it…So [am I the jerk] for being annoyed?” she wondered.
I’m not really sure why she had a baby with this man when he doesn’t do enough at home with his own kid or their pets. It’s nuts for her fiancé to want two entire days off without the kids.
She should make her fiancé help out with chores on whatever days he says he doesn’t want to have to worry about being a dad. Maybe then it will be a bit more equitable here.
What advice do you have for her?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
