Her Husband Cheated For A Year, But She Had A Couple Of One-Night Stands Before Their Wedding

If someone asks their partner for an open marriage before marrying them, do you think that sets a precedent for cheating later on?

This 29-year-old woman and her 31-year-old husband got married 4 years ago and have been with one another for 12 years. They started out as high school sweethearts, and she studied abroad in college, so their relationship was long-distance for 4 years.

Currently, they live in Japan, where her husband is from, though he wasn't raised there. Now, back in April, they came close to getting a divorce.

"My husband was questioning his feelings and whether he wanted to stay in the relationship. He talked about wanting to experience being single and living alone for a while. This wasn't the first time he'd had doubts about us," she explained.

Throughout their first few years together in Japan, her husband was stressed about financially supporting her, as she didn't have a job when she arrived, as she was a graduate student.

Adding to her husband's frustrations: they have very different attachment styles. He's avoidant, while she's anxious. And then we have a case of bad timing. They hurried to get married in 2022 because of her visa, and their actual wedding took place in April of 2025 because of the pandemic. They didn't get to go on their honeymoon until May of 2026 due to the timing of their vacation days.

"I have been very deeply shaken by that time, and I worked really hard [on] myself to become a secure person. Not just to retain him, but because I knew that no matter the outcome, I needed to be able to stand on my own," he added.

"Recently, he started talking about these issues again and told me he wanted to experiment [with] living on his own to sort his feelings. I was not thrilled, but after so much growth, I felt agreeable [to] the idea."

"But last night, he confessed he had been having an affair for a whole year (which includes the time we went on our honeymoon in the midst of our relationship turmoil). On top of it, it involved a girl (36) he met through his work [who] is also married."

tinx - stock.adobe.com - illustrative purposes only, not the actual person - pictured above is a woman with red hair

The affair began after her husband's coworker confessed to having feelings for him. He didn't turn her down; he decided to see what she was all about, and then fell in love with her.

They hooked up off and on, and when they were in touch, they met up two to three times each month. Her husband says he and his coworker tried to end their affair multiple times, without success.

Several days ago, her husband's coworker triggered the latest breakup, and then he decided to tell her the truth, as he didn't think it was fair for him to hide his infidelity, let alone ask for her to move out without giving her the backstory.

While she feels blindsided, as she certainly didn't see this coming, having a cheating husband, their past is what complicates all of this.

Their second year of long-distance in college was super tough. Her husband mentioned texting her every day was too overwhelming, while she felt abandoned and alone.

"But I deeply loved him (still do) and couldn't imagine breaking things off, so I suggested we open our relationship. At the time, I was also dreading the risk of us growing only together without experimenting, which could lead to cheating later (and so I was right)," she said.

"He agreed reluctantly, but after a few days, he said he was miserable and couldn't accept it, so we closed it. However, and this is where I was wrong and don't want to hide it, that situation didn't do [anything] for me, so I kept acting as if the relationship was open and had a few adventures/one night stand over the 3 years that I remained aboard."

She presumed her husband had caught on to her, but he never did confront her, so she didn't say a word about it. After he revealed his own affair, she decided to tell him about what she did to him back then.

She was livid with her husband for cheating on her with his coworker, but also, she was hit with a wave of relief, not only due to her cheating on him, but because she felt free knowing why her husband was having doubts about her and their marriage.

She was tying herself in knots, trying to gauge how they could fix things, but she had no idea he was seeing his coworker.

"There's also the part where, if we can't repair/rebuild our relationship, his cheating is giving me a socially and morally acceptable reason to leave, instead of having to explain his uncertainty and doubts," she continued.

"While I don't want to consider a divorce without trying to work together on it, I'm aware that him admitting his cheating conveniently made him the bad guy. And with me coming clean about my own actions too, it also kinda changed the mindset of being the only victim, although our circumstances were very different."

"I don't really know what I expect from this post, but sharing this with strangers feels more comforting while I'm still processing things...for now, I think we'll try to work on our relationship, but nothing is decided yet."

This isn't salvageable at all, because they're both cheaters and liars, so why should they ever learn to trust one another again when so much has been built on dishonesty?

I highly doubt she would have told her husband about her infidelity if he hadn't said something about him stepping outside of the marriage first.

I am having a difficult time understanding why they aren't just ripping the Band-Aid off and getting a divorce now. Because it's work to no longer have intertwined lives?

What advice do you have for her?

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