If you bother getting married, it better be to someone who at least shares some of your goals and dreams. But what would you do if your spouse confessed to wanting a divorce because you desperately wanted a child, and they feel like your baby is a ball and chain?
Before this 35-year-old woman got married to her 42-year-old husband five years ago, they talked about having kids, as it was something she truly wanted.
Her husband promised that he also desired to have a family with her, and following their wedding, her husband would make excuses and say it simply wasn’t a great time for them to try for a baby.
She unexpectedly got pregnant, and she terminated the pregnancy because her husband was having a tough time mentally coming to terms with all of that.
Then a year ago, she let her husband know that she could not wait around forever to have a baby, since she was in her mid-30s. She said it would be a dealbreaker for her not to get to be a mom.
She really didn’t issue him an ultimatum; she was being truthful about what she wanted. Her husband took that into consideration and eventually agreed to try. She instantly got pregnant, and her husband shared with her that he felt regretful.
She still went through with the pregnancy and three months ago gave birth. In hindsight, she knows she shouldn’t be shocked by where she and her husband are now, but it hurts nonetheless.
He recently informed her that he wants a divorce, and it has everything to do with their newborn.
“He says he’s hit a wall and that no matter what he does, he feels stuck. He believes our personalities are incompatible (I’m anxious-preoccupied) and that it will never work,” she explained.
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“He’s been cold and distant since I got pregnant. Although we had issues before, I thought we worked through them. Now he says he’s been unhappy for years, which I wish he had been honest about much earlier, especially before agreeing to have a child.”
“He says he feels extremely overwhelmed and that his instinct is to run away. He’s afraid of finances, responsibility, and losing his freedom, and says continuing feels physically unbearable to him. He says he’s not afraid of caring for the baby, but feels he can’t handle everything.”
Their daughter is so young for her husband to be giving up that quickly, but she is aware that she can’t say or do anything to make her husband change his mind.
Especially since he revealed to her that he only said yes to having their daughter because he felt like he owed that to her, despite not being on the same page.
She’s overwhelmed with grieving the future she pictured with her husband and their little girl, and she feels ashamed to come to terms with her marriage ending in failure.
Her husband is not interested in trying therapy or fixing their relationship; he’s just done and wants out.
“If we didn’t have a baby, I’d be more willing to let go. But because of my little one, I feel like I owe it to her to try. I’m heartbroken and feel like he’s already decided that our baby would be better off with [my parents and me] than with him,” she added.
“I’m looking for perspective from people who felt this way and chose to leave their families. What was life like after separation? How is your relationship with your children?”
Divorce or not, her husband is still going to have to help pay for the baby, so it’s weird to me that he thinks he will be free if he’s single. But I suppose even if you’re legally required to pay child support, it’s not like you can force someone to be a parent.
He should have had the courage to file for divorce before having a baby with her, but it’s too late for that now. It’s useless for her to hang onto him when he’s evidently over her, so she should let him go.
What advice do you have for her? Is it ever possible for a mercy baby to result in a happy ending, or is this kind of resentment always inevitable?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
