When someone you love ends up in a chaotic, heartbreaking double life, how can you help them see the error of their ways when they’re not usually down to accept any advice?
This woman has a 31-year-old sister-in-law with a husband the same age as her, and they got married 4 years ago. They met in their freshman year of college and have been together for 12 years in total.
For the first six years of her sister-in-law’s relationship, her entire family insisted her husband was not the man for her. In time, everyone quit saying it aloud, because her sister-in-law was ready to cut everyone out of her life.
As this was all happening, her sister-in-law came close to leaving her husband on multiple occasions and would cry to everyone about him.
“He insisted for years that they live with his parents, because mortgages and rent were ‘robbery’ and nobody was going to rob him. His parents are genuinely kind people, so it was livable,” she explained.
“He was always invited to family events, and everyone tried, but conversation with him was hard work, and in the end, we all just accepted his worldview as background noise. They didn’t really argue, because he refused to discuss problems at all.”
“Instead, he gave her the silent treatment: a week, sometimes a full month, several times a year, escalating over time. Almost always triggered by her going out with university friends or to a work dinner. From the outside, the marriage looked great: a house owned outright (her family gave them [$228,760.00] toward it), three or four holidays a year, a car, both earning well.”
But her sister-in-law’s husband quit coming on their family ski trips and to Christmas. Her sister-in-law revealed their romance died out over a year ago, and she was avoiding being close to him because she was scared of getting pregnant anyway.
Last month, her sister-in-law came home from a work dinner at around 2 a.m., and her husband left the following morning without saying a word to her.
He vanished for a whole week, and even after he returned from his mysterious trip, he gave her sister-in-law three more weeks of silent treatment.
Eventually, everyone learned that her sister-in-law hooked up with her 27-year-old male colleague at that work dinner, and the affair has kept on going.
A week ago, her sister-in-law’s husband found all of this out. He said sorry, sobbed, and even forgave her while promising to get a therapist, which is not like him at all. Out of nowhere, he said he wanted to hook up with her again, too.
“When she told him she wants a divorce, the [apartment] was spotless, with flowers, dinner, and wine on the table. He said he’d also just met someone, but that he’d stay with her if she wanted,” she added.
“She left and stayed at ours. The next day she spent at work with the affair partner, then said she wanted to go back to her husband, that she pities him, and that, honestly, her old life suited her, and she’d take it back. She moved back the following day.”
“Today she’s on an overnight trip to another city with the affair partner. She’s worn her wedding ring through all of it. I supported the divorce. What I don’t understand is the rest: how can she say she pities him and doesn’t want to hurt him, and at the same time move back in with him while openly going away with the other guy?”
She just doesn’t get how her sister-in-law can essentially be living two lives.
Trying to understand her sister-in-law is a fool’s errand, as there’s no logic to uncover in her double life. She is punishing her husband, using her coworker for excitement, and keeping her expensive, comfortable lifestyle as a safety net. That’s all there is to it.
How she’s able to manage two lives is pretty simple: compartmentalization and selfishness. I’m certainly curious how this is going to end, and for how long her sister-in-law’s husband will be accepting of her keeping up both acts.
Her sister-in-law is an adult who is making conscious choices to cheat, lie, and stay in a broken marriage. It’s not like she can make her want something different for herself, but inevitably, it will all come crashing down, and she can be there to lend her support when it happens if she wants to. Sometimes, the people we love make really bad decisions, and the only thing we can do is love them through it.
What do you think?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
