Her Husband Knew She Was Married When They Started Their Affair, But Now He's Threatening A Divorce And Acting Offended That She's A Cheater

We are often told that the past is a foreign country, a place we can leave behind through growth, atonement, and radical change. But for some, the past is a tether.

She sought spiritual rebirth in a Buddhist temple to atone for her infidelity, but the shadows of her twenties have suddenly returned to haunt her present.

Despite a decade of loyalty, her husband has decided to exhume her old secrets, proving that even a life lived as a new person can be dismantled by a partner who refuses to believe in redemption.

Nine years ago, this 40-year-old woman got married to her 43-year-old husband, and they have been with one another for the last 12 years.

Now, back when she was in her 20s, she got married to another man, even though she was fully aware that the relationship was not going to last.

She actually wanted to call off the wedding, but then changed her mind after her husband made threats to harm himself if she left him.

She felt so guilty that she married him, hoping things would improve, but they did not. It wasn't that the marriage was awful; it was just that her husband was more like her best friend than her romantic partner.

"Stupidly and ashamedly, I had a one-night stand during a night out. Then I started an affair with [an] older married man who had young kids and a wife," she explained.

"He was an interstate business traveler, and we would meet up quite a few times for a rendezvous. Then his wife found out, and it pretty much ended after that."

gzorgz - stock.adobe.com - illustrative purposes only, not the actual person

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"I was still married after I went to start a new job in the city, and my boss (now husband) started to flirt with me on occasion. He knew I was married and continued to show his interests, but I just brushed him off as I thought he was [messing] about (he jokes around a lot)."

In time, she fell in love with him, and they kicked off an affair, as she was still married to her first husband. Eventually, she left her husband and moved in with her boss.

She was happy to be with him and thought he was the perfect man. Not long into dating her boss officially, she revealed to him that she was a cheater.

He was humiliated to hear that, and she told him a lot of the details, which made him want to give her a second chance to prove herself.

Not too long ago, her boss turned husband implored her to give him all of the information about her prior affair, wanting very specific facts.

She told him no.

"I am deeply ashamed and regret my bad decisions of what I had done to my then partner and the hurt I caused to the other family," she added.

"Being a wife now with 2 young boys, I cannot imagine the pain I inflicted on the other wife. I didn't want to revisit my past and tell him again, I hated myself for it and I swore to myself I would never commit adultery again (I went as far to going to a temple in Thailand doing a Buddhist camp there, shaved my head and lived as a nun for few weeks, and taking an oath to not commit adultery, to what I felt was a spiritual awakening, a complete turnaround in my life)."

"I know people say once a cheater, always a cheater, but I know deep within myself I could never and would want to hurt others like that again."

Her husband stated it was time for her to put the work in to fix her own shortcomings, and since she didn't want to share details with him, it made him insecure.

He also said he didn't have any trust in her anymore. Then, he threatened to file for divorce and wished her luck, since he's going to take all of the money and leave her penniless.

Her husband has multiple offshore accounts, while she's been a stay-at-home mom for the last five years and has a very low-paying part-time job, so she's not financially independent.

"I literally have nothing to my name, no savings, no assets. I would pretty much be on the streets if he was to leave me. He would sometimes mention to me what financials do I contribute? I pretty much do all housework (cooking, cleaning, laundry), including yard work, and do the kids' bath and bedtime," she said.

"I've said just because I can't contribute financially doesn't mean I don't contribute to the household, and he'd pretty much ignore that statement."

"So I told him to ask away, what do you want to know, as I've told him everything those many years ago, but out of the sake of our marriage, I let him ask."

Her husband asked questions, and acted grossed out when she honestly answered. In the end, her husband said he simply does not trust her and is afraid she will cheat on him on a long enough timeline.

She did all of the work back there in the temple, and she thinks she couldn't cheat on someone ever again in her life. She informed her husband that she feels criticized and hurt, and he accused her of acting like a victim.

She requested that they go to counseling after that, and since her husband went to college for psychology and graduated with top grades, he snapped at her that he's a shrink and doesn't need to go see one.

"I feel so lost, sad, and not hopeful of our relationship. My husband was on my phone early one morning, and I checked the history of what he searched, and it was 'how to know if your spouse is cheating,' and 'how do cheaters get away,'" she continued.

"I've felt dark depression since we've opened this up again...I know I was a [garbage] human early on and am truly sorry for it. I believe and know I am a changed person, but it seems none of that my husband believes; he really thinks my cheating ways will return."

"I don't know what I'm asking...my inner peace is dying, my happiness I had cultivated within me is gone, my heart just pains every time I remember his harsh words."

I'm sorry, I'm confused. Her current husband knew she was married when he pursued her, so he doesn't get the ability to act like she's untrustworthy.

And why is this coming up after nine years of marriage? I wonder if he's cheating and is now projecting onto her.

What advice do you have for her? If you marry the person you had an affair with, do you lose the right to act surprised or disgusted by their capacity to cheat?

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